Am I out of line? I referred my best friend of over 20 years to my therapist a few months ago. My friend then suddenly cut me out of their life with no warning or explanation. I have been struggling with my therapist for continuing to support and care for this person because I have been deeply hurt by them (selfish I know!) Long story short, I was supposed to attend a workshop my therapist is hosting but they registered my previous friend instead and now I am unable to attend due to a conflict of interest. I feel like I am not as important to my therapist as this other person, and I am struggling with continuing to see my therapist as the relationship no longer feels safe. I have a long history of childhood sexual/physical abuse, so I do have a lot of attachment/abandonment issues and it took almost 3 years of weekly sessions (they have been working with me for almost 5 years) for me to be able to trust that they wouldn’t hurt me. I am triggered and feeling abandoned, unimportant, worthless, uncared for, etc., which is causing old patterns to show up, and unalive thoughts to take over. I have brought up these concerns with my therapist and am feeling dismissed as their response was "you'll have to decide if I am a trigger for you and if you can continue working with me." I am angry and hurt that my therapist would rather refer me to someone else than refer this other person. I’m spiraling and don’t have anyone to reach out to, so I don’t trust my feelings. Am I overreacting? (sorry, didn't end up being short after all)
You’re not out of line… but you might need to find another therapist. Not because you did anything wrong in referring your friend or in anything that took place since, but so you can feel safe in therapy.
I don’t know any context beyond your question but something is not sitting right with me about this workshop business. If there’s a workshop offered to clients, it seems weird that the therapist would be taking the role of enforcing which clients can attend and which ones can’t. It would make more sense to me for the therapist to request of both of you to only speak civily to each other and not create drama while there, and offer neutral support for how to navigate that. But to tell one person to not show up at all seems like an overreach. I mean, it sucks and all, but adults navigate situations like this all the time, for example divorced parents who attend the same special event in their child’s life and who set aside their differences and harsh words so that the event can be all about the child and not them or their drama.
The way your therapist chose to handle this along with her words to you later when you brought it up in my mind point to a possible lack of containment, which would make you unsafe, even before this falling out with your friend took place. It also points to the possibility that this therapist may not be helping you to overcome your past and grow into a psychologically healthy adult to the extent that you need.
This is all of course speculation on my part and my intent is to not badmouth your therapist, but I think you might find if you give someone else a chance that this therapist and you are not as good a fit as would be ideal for the work you need to do, and that someone else might be better for you and take you much farther in your journey. You can still acknowledge and celebrate all the progress you have made with this therapist and take it with you into the next leg of your journey.
