So I went out last week to a quiz night and so begun the burger adventure…
I went to a pub called the Capelrig, I was there for a quiz night, which was great, and thankfully not organised by the staff in the Capelrig, it would have been a bad episode of the Keystone Kops if it had.
I waited at the bar for drinks for what felt like an eternity, archaeological ages passed quicker than the wait I endured at the bar, this was the real life version of waiting for Godot, he never turns up and it felt like the bar staff didn’t either.
Every so often I would get a glimpse of someone in a red shirt and try and attract their attention, felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway, no could see me, but there was no logic to when and when they would appear, or what they actually did. It didn’t help that they all looked like they were 12, so I assume they were all there on work experience, although it didn’t look like they were experienced in any type of work apart from irritating me by walking by and breaking their neck kidding on they didn’t see me.
After a while a vaguely irritated woman came to the bar, I assumed that she might be the one who would decide who merited a drink and who didn’t, for a long time I didn’t...
Once we had passed out of the new ice age and back out the other side I had 3 drinks and a feeling that my life had indeed passed me by waiting forever at a cold and indifferent bar.
Okay, so we were here to do the quiz, get a few drinks and something to eat and my eyes lit up when I seen the burger menu, it was waffles, buttermilk battered chicken, stacked with bacon, maple syrup and a pink burger sauce.
Gimme that one!! I may have enthusiastically roared that, when you go to get food gimme that ONE THERE!!!
Yes, I was in a make believe land of American type burgers the like of which I had only ever seen in Man v Food, and I couldn’t wait. The minutes seemed like hours, the hours seemed like days and all I could think of was my burger, a burger maligned by the other guys at the table, but I knew in my heart of hearts this was going to be something special, it replaced burger buns with waffles, the greatest innovation in Burger technology was winging its way to my table. This was going to be great.
It wasn’t. It was the furthest from great I have ever experienced, took a bite and thought, ummm, that's a bit plain, took another nibble and thought hang on, this thing is tasteless. Then I opened it up, it was two waffles, the saddest bit of lettuce I’ve seen in a long time and the chicken burger...
No bacon,
No maple syrup,
No burger sauce.
I was in two minds whether to smother it with BBQ sauce and wolf it down, but I didn’t, I ordered a specific thing and wanted it.
So I went back to the bar. It was another soul blasting endurance feat of waiting for someone to serve me, the red shirts were wandering aimlessly towards the other end having now perfected the art of "ignoring" a customer with a plate on the bar, because yes, you might have been so fond of your dinner you just want to take it about the place showing off to people and mumbling, "this is my burger, this is my bun, One is for scoffing, into my tum" (see if you can identify where that quote was stolen and amended from)
Another ice age passed and the one person serving at the bar said, "Ummm yes?" is anyone familiar with passive aggression? I had a crash course introduction.
"The burger, it’s not what the menu says."
"How? What’s up with it?"
"It doesn’t have what's listed on the menu"
"What?"
"It doesn’t have any of the stuff it's supposed to."
"What stuff?"
I sighed inwardly and remembered my upbringing, irritated at myself for being the typical cap doffing, don’t want to complain social inept I always turn into when I try and complain about rubbish food.
"It doesn’t have any of the stuff it’s supposed to, it doesn’t have the bacon, maple syrup or burger sauce"
"oh, right, you want us to just stick that on the burger"
You see I had lost this battle already, I deferred to the "person behind the bar"
"Ummm yes I mumbled", "Yes please"
There wasn’t any offer of a refund, a fresh burger, you know the standard stuff.
I walked back to my seat and she said as I was going,
"Aye okay I’ll sort it"
Then dropped the plate and the chips scattered everywhere. Oh well I’ll at least get some fresh chips.
Ten minutes later she appears at the table.
"No burger sauce"
"What?"
"Sigh, no burger sauce, whoever served you should have said no burger sauce, they didn’t and what do you want? We can give you something else and you can pay extra, or we can give you some change."
Or I could deal with more passive aggression and get something I didn’t want.
I didn’t point out that she had taken the order.
Or that she only mentioned no burger sauce and nothing about the fact that there was no bacon or maple syrup"
"Just give me a refund, I don’t want anything else"
"Oh, I’ll need to speak to my manager, I’ll need to get that authorised"
Okay then, you do that. So, wait to get the food, get it, it’s nothing like advertised, it was kind of more or less our fault that whoever was behind the bar didn’t say there was no burger sauce (her), so since there was none of that lets not bother putting anything on the burger, he'll never notice. Drop the chips everywhere, huff and sigh like I was bothering her and then plonk 9 odd quid in my hand like she was doing me the biggest favour ever.
In conclusion.
Not impressed with the staff.
Couldn’t work out why some of them were there unless as living statues.
An interminable wait at the bar.
Rubbish food passed off as something on the menu and it wasn’t.
Wait for a while for the replacement to show.
Get told it was more or less out fault because we weren’t told about no burger sauce.
Leave everything off the burger in that case, he won’t notice eating a cake and some chicken burger…
Passive aggressive staff
AND NO DINNER FOR ME!
I wasnt a happy camper...
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