It starts with trembling voices and silent phone calls that hold too many feelings for anyone to bear.
It starts with small excuses and meaningless complaints about useless things.
It starts with a broken ‘I miss you.’
You whisper it slowly with your ever trembling voice,
And I can never help but whisper it back to you.
I whisper it back to you helplessly,
With my shaking voice that never knew how to spill out feelings,
Never knew how to express them without stumbling over a blank page,
Never knew how to speak from the heart, I whisper it back to you.
Because you make it so damn easy.
Like rain, my small stumbling voice falls upon your feet with its hushed noise;
Like a well-practised spell, I cast it back at you just as naturally as one breathes.
Because it is just as easy as breathing.
It always has been.
With you.
And I always end up doing it.
Even if I don't want to.
I do it over and over again,
Just to see that fragment of a smile light up your face like the sun.
Just to hear that faint chuckle escape your chapped lips because you were never the one who smiled big.
And I like it that way.
I like it when you smile.
I like it.
Even though I know that I shouldn't.
And that's when hope kicks in.
The second you smile,
Hope slips into my veins like hot volcanic blood, and it rushes to my dead heart,
Trying to make it run.
Like alcohol, I get drunk by it,
grasping for it with my bare hands,
pleading for it to stay.
I try to keep hope in a box,
try to lock it and hide it away,
but like air, it just never seems to get caught,
and it slips right out of my fingers like sand.
My pleas always get rejected.
Because you see,
Both of our hope begins at the same time and space,
At the same time, we both try to grasp it,
try to hold it tight to our chest so it can never escape.
The only problem?
We never hope for the same thing.
And the second you realise it, fire erupts.
Venom falls from your mouth like rain, and it drenches me.
Endlessly and viciously.
It blurs up my vision like the way fog blurs the glass,
Like snow covering up the ground, it covers me up completely,
And I let it.
I always let it.
You are gone by the time the snow starts to melt.
You leave like a thief.
You leave when my lungs burn, and my eyes search for you frantically.
You leave when my hope dies.
You always leave.
The cycle ends with a heavy heart and a scar hidden on the corner of my ever sorry smile that has now turned just a tad bit more fake.
But just as any cycles go,
It doesn't take long for it to start all over again.
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