Most work days I'm craving freedom. I feel as if work is holding me back from all the things i want to do, draining my energy and wasting my time. I have to concentrate all my attention and can't do my own thing at all during working hours. It can be very tiring to concentrate. So I often find myself wishing I was free.
But what if I'm looking at it all wrong. What if work is there to motivate me to put more energy into my own passions, to keep my mind from wandering, to help me learn concentration, to teach me things I need to know.
Today i had most of the day off and I did nothing. I woke up with a cramped up back for the first time in weeks, which probably had something to do with the insane humidity. I rolled around in bed not wanting to move and not able to go back to sleep. I got up and tried stretching for 10 minutes but felt too tired and ended up eating yogurt and some bread before going to bring in my laundry....it all smelled like asshole. I wanted to wash it again but with this humidity it won't dry again and it'll still smell like asshole....I rolled into bed and moaned at the ceiling for a while.
I know I'm supposed to find something that feels good. I kept finding things but kept getting distracted from them. I found myself wishing I had work to do, not my own work or passions but some kind of numb easy work that requires me to be a placeholder, work work. Maybe I need to appreciate work work more. Im not ready for freedom, as much as I want to be.
I look at some friends I have here and elsewhere who are just basically at peace most of the time despite having little more than I do. I used to be like that too. What happened?
That feeling that I need to accomplish something with my life came back. It keeps sneaking back. I find myself looking at what I want to accomplish and comparing it to what I have accomplished and I fall off my horse. Every. Single. Time.
Why is it so hard to accept that life has no requirements of me, that I'm perfectly fine as I am, without becoming a catalyst for change, without achieving anything? I felt best when I gave up my dreams, and then as they sneaked back into my consciousness because I can't forget my dreams. The moment I felt best was when I was ok without achieving them but back to working towards them. What a difficult line to balance on.
Perhaps I am nothing more but an employee who has no savings and no freedom and nothing special about my day to day life. I know that's not me though and so it hurts to accept it. But what if accepting mediocrity is my only way out of mediocrity? What if the path to my dreams is to give up my dreams. I already basically know that this is how it works, but it's still such a terrifying leap of faith. Accept hell to go to heaven.
Oh how backwards a universe this is, but I suppose we didn't want it to be too easy otherwise it wouldn't have been very exciting.
So I'm back to putting my dreams on the side. My goal to put out a zine and an album by my birthday is slowly closing in on its deadline....I may have to postpone, again, for the 10th year in a row, this time so much closer than I've ever been, but not in the right headspace to cross that line.
At least I know that state of being where everything is awesome is never far away. I felt it just a few hours ago, last night before the back cramps came back.
For now I think I need to throw out my dreams again and just accept mediocrity once more. As soon as I do maybe it'll be time to cross over into a world where I feel like I fit in my skin, but for now it's best to throw that little piece of hope away and learn to love mediocrity again.
I am my occupation, nothing more, at least for now.
