My manager in my previous position.
I listened closely. In our interactions, it was like a whisper in my ear: I want to be your friend, and I will be, but you've done this wrong and I won't approve of you until you do X.
So I went and did X.
But then he moved the goalposts.
He was like Teflon; calling him out seemed impossible.
I made a deal with the devil- I avoided seeing my own power, my choice, in exchange for feeling good enough at times by him.
I chose that pact. That's the worst of it.
I chose that pact each time I sought approval of the other.
I listened to a man who I let disempower me, by being swept up by the excitement of being maybe good enough yo-yoing to the fear of being shut out.
Do I really hate the monotony of doing what needs to be done the best I can? Because that's what I avoided from this corrupted relationship dynamic.
And that dynamic trundled on. For many years.
I didn't advance at the pace I deserved.
I wasted energy, working manically on other people's priorities and learning how to forget my own.
The more I played this game, the more self confidence I lost. The more I blamed others. Instead of taking responsibility for myself.
In the end, this game made me a vulnerable target.
Yes, everyone is using everyone.
Each one if us carries the light of majestic self agency, trying to imprint our will on the world. And with it, each of us also casts shadows.
My manager happened to be skilled at manipulation. Building me up, half promises that he never committed to but gave me hope of recognition. And then periods of excluding and ignoring me. Then when he needed me he'd seduce me again with recognition of my importance, with hints of recognition and then...
This person didn't think of promotion for my good. His primary interest was himself.
At times, he had moments of majesty, and gave selflessly.
But then there's a swingback and he had to exact his price.
You could never relax, even when he was being nice.
This is what it was like working with a politician with the facade of a nice guy who feels threatened by you.
It's how I worked, with most of the activities of for seven years. Yet I never received a pay rise.
As I achieved and over achieved yet my self confidence shrunk. I never felt I could leave. I had to try and prove myself one more time. I wasn't good enough.
When friends interpreted his behavior as being threatened by me, I could not believe it. How could he, so undeniably talented, feel threatened by me?
So I tried harder and harder, achieved more, and the cycle continued.
It's funny, it took a romance with a handsome stranger onto whom I projected more wisdom than he deserved, to whisk myself away after seven years in a job where I moved mountains and yet didn't deserve a pay rise.
I'm still trying to make up for the self respect I lost.
