I have met the thing that outmatched me, felt the full force of the gap between what I could do and what the moment required, spending too long deciding whether I was wrong to be here or exactly where I needed to be,
I have met the thing that outmatched me, been given an uncomfortable clarity about myself that easier challenges had never required me to develop,
I have met the thing that outmatched me, felt the shame of not being ready, then faced the harder question of whether not-being-ready was a verdict or the clearest diagnosis of what I needed to build,
I have met the thing that outmatched me, where can I can feel capable again or toward the discomfort of becoming what the harder thing is asking me to become,
I have met the thing that outmatched me, it has been my most significant education and the most consistently refused invitation, I’m still deciding which relationship to it I’ll live by,
I have avoided the harder match, finding reasonable arguments for why the timing was wrong, the conditions were not right, or I was not yet ready to engage,
I have avoided the harder match, I found comfort in demonstrating a competence I had already developed, calling it growth well enough like progress to hide the difference,
I have avoided the harder match, lived in a creative life that asked only what I had already decided I was capable of giving, calling that version realistic, sustainable, and humble,
What is the match I have been avoiding, that I would recognize immediately if someone named it, and have I been calling it “not yet’ when what I really mean is “never”,
I have avoided the harder match, the avoidance has been comfortable, productive, but none of that changes the truth that what I was built for is still waiting on the other side…
I have been squeezed by circumstances, discovered what was inside me that comfort had never required me to find, allowing it to remain unknown for years,
I have been squeezed and felt the exposure of it, then the unexpected freedom of finally knowing what was there beyond my theories, preferences, and carefully maintained self-image,
I have been squeezed and found both better and worse things inside me than I expected, the better sustaining me and the worse clarifying me, both was ultimately useful,
What version of myself has only appeared under pressure, what does that tell me about what I’ve been underusing when things weren’t difficult enough to ask for,
I have been squeezed and known myself more accurately through that knowing, through reflection that never demanded enough of me to reveal who I actually was…
I have chosen the easier option, I told myself I was resting, recovering, or building, only to find the easy opponent left me softer that cost me when the harder thing arrived,
I have chosen the easier option, when those choices quietly accumulated until they became the distance between my current and intended locations,
I have chosen the easier option, learned what was real and worth learning there, and what I will still need before the work I am reaching toward becomes possible,
Am I choosing challenges honestly for my goals or comfortably for my current situation then who would tell me the truth about the difference if I asked,
I have chosen the easier option, the easier work, the easier conversation, convincing myself it was only for now, until I realized that what I refuse to name can quietly become the path I keep taking…
Watchwords:
The gap was a verdict or a diagnosis still deciding,
Comfortable competence that felt similar enough to growth,
Squeezed and found both better and worse than estimated,
The easy opponent left me softer than I began,
The temporary that became permanent by never naming it...
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream: