Published via Ecency

The nurse told me I could go home and later the doctor said the same.

No one told me how to get home. It was dad who picked me up and drove me to grandmother's home. He didn't say much just that I had to stay with her for the rest of the school vacation. It was a long drive and I mainly slept while I was strapped with a belt to the backseat. It made me feel sick. At grandmother's house, he lifted the big brown suitcase out of the car and put it into the bedroom. This time I had to stay in the bedroom that once was my mother's. The big bear filled with seagrass was sitting on the couch and stared at me. Did my mother abandon him like me? He's nearly as tall as I am. I'm not sure if he's hand-knit. Perhaps he is and grandmother made him for her. She knits well and very fast. His eyes scare me though. I held him for a while but it's not a bear who likes to cuddle. He feels hard and stiff and I think he doesn't like to be touched.

"You stay here", dad said, "you can go to bed it was a long day",
I'm not sure if it was a long day, longer than other days. It's not dark outside and he didn't give me any food. The hospital gave me breakfast. Two slices of bread wrapped in plastic. Two slices of what they call cheese were in plastic packed too. They felt warm and soft smelled like sweat. I like cheese but not this one it should be called and shouldn't smell bad. I didn't eat it.
The room is large and not as white and warm as in hospital. I like the silence and go to bed. I haven't seen grandmother yet but that doesn't matter. "Perhaps it's safer here than at home", I tell bear. He looks at me and I think he understands but he looks lonely. I slip out of bed and lay bear on the couch. "I won't hurt you, you can sleep now bear." He looks at me and I hope he understands me. If someone always hurts you you have to be careful and watch your steps. It's long ago she hurt bear and he still knows it after all these years. I think he was happy alone in this room and now I am here and the danger is back.
I turn to my left side and ignore the pain. Bruises will heal, it will all heal one day but not what she said to me. "I kill you," she said and I know she will. It wasn't the first time she tried to kill me. Did she kill the baby in the jar too?

Saturday
July 31, 2021