I started thinking about writing this commentary on marriage after yet another phone conversation with a male friend who is suffering through a devastating divorce and the destruction of his family. The pattern is all too familiar. Good guy, hard worker, successful businessman, devoted husband, and father. His first wife died tragically, leaving him with two young sons. He was in his early forties, lonely, struggling to manage his home and businesses. He admitted to remarrying too soon.
He shared that their marriage always seemed to struggle, but he felt it would improve if he worked hard enough at the union. Men, by nature, are fixers. They bought a big home, an expensive RV, and a nice boat. He admits that he indulged her with lifestyle and gifts in that process, seeking her happiness. They had two more sons, and she became more difficult and demanding after that. She ran up the credit cards, started hanging out with feminist, divorced friends. She saw his success in business and, despite having no experience, soon became determined to own a business of her own. He tried to help and advise her, but she informed him that this was HER business and she would make all of the decisions. He gave her hundreds of thousands of dollars that she lost through foolishness. By that time, her friends convinced her that she needed to be divorced so she could join them on their girl trips to resorts that cater to women in that lifestyle. They recommended an infamous divorce attorney; you can imagine the details from there.
Another family destroyed, another angry, unhappy woman, a devastated husband who lost his identity as a family man. I wish I could tell you that this was an unusual story, but sadly, it is all too common.
If a man came to me for advice on the matter, I would counsel him not to get married, at least not in the term’s common use. I will describe what I believe to be a solution later, because society only survives based on the success of its family units. Unfortunately, we’re operating from a very poor model.
To most people, a marriage is an institution that involves a member of the clergy or a magistrate, a man and a woman, and a marriage license issued by the government. I believe that is a prescription for disaster because, along with that, comes mutual independence and the ability to divorce. Most people would be surprised to find that women initiate 70% of divorces against their husbands. That statistic rises to 90% if the woman has a college education.
The most consistent reason for them initiating divorce is that they are unhappy and feel that there is a lack of connection. It used to be the case that slightly more men cheated than did women; now the statistics are shifting strongly in the other direction. Most surveys seem to indicate that the underlying reason women cheat is because they desire an “emotional connection.” When asked for more specifics, they like being chased; they enjoyed the courtship of the dating scene, but once married, their husbands’ role shifted, as did theirs. He became focused on providing, she became focused on her career or the demands of motherhood (less and less the case). He was no longer paying her as much attention, she stopped being sexual after the marriage, and soon another man began paying her the kind of attention that women instinctively desire. Before long, she and her lover, most likely a married man seeking sex, are in a motel. If caught, she almost always says she doesn’t know why she did it and regrets the act. Hence, the statistic that 90% of divorces are initiated by college- and career-minded women.
Can you think of one reason why a man would want to enter into a marriage with an educated woman with a career? The cliché is deserved.
To be continued in next post.
Source vscampbell.com