Walls are for defence and protection.
We are used to thinking that walls protect those who raised them. I also think that some times it protects those on the other side of the wall.
But this wall i raised might fall on me if I'm not careful.
Five different people in different occasions told me that i don't let people in.
Who knows maybe I'm scared that if i eventually do. I would be betrayed like my predecessors.
The wall was like a defense mechanism. I'll bolt once there is any hint that you might betray me.
The first lady who told me that was Amanda.
We had dated for five months.
For a whole week i hadnt smiled and it bothered her. I think she felt responsible because i once called her my joy source.
She was the funniest person i knew. You couldn't stay near Amanda and not smile, but for a whole week i think i finally succeeded.
My success wasnt on the premise that she wasnt funny anymore but because what weighed on me quenched the flame of laughter.
She was worried that it would result to depression.
But the truth was that, i was getting tired of sitting on my hands.
I had lost my job and my mini self developed job wasnt paying much.
Few months ago, i could count the amount of money that entered my hands monthly, sometimes weekly.
But now, it was just crumbs.
I couldn't have it.
Being in that situation built a wall around me and i didn’t know.
Maybe from the fact that i wanted to handle the situation myself.
I shut everyone out. Mostly Amanda.
I could see it was hurting her and in effect our relationship.
You see, one of the wall that's almost impossible to bring down, is the one you didn’t even you was a wall.
I felt everyone should understand my situation. "
I needed to be in this place i am to find my way out" i thought to myself.
Clearly, they didnt understand.
Amanda left.
She was patient for a few weeks but couldn't hold it afterwards.
Let me fast forward to the last.
Her name was Julie.
She was so pretty, you could easily mistake her for an angel when the sun burns hot and she is on white.
She was too beautiful that painting a picture of my future was not hard. I just wanted the future to look like her.
I never told her anything i was up to.
I had a contract. I never told her till i got the contract and finished it.
I figured out months after our breakup that i was at fault.
Each wall had a name.
So the name i would call the wall between Julie and i was the wall "assumption."
I always assumed she didn’t want to know the process only the results.
I assumed she didn’t like what i didn’t like. Thereby i hindered her voice in the relationship.
I assumed she liked me because i was very successful. So, i never told her when i was hurting after i was unsuccessful.
Most of the things that happened to me, she found out from the mouth of my friends during our discussions.
She felt left out.
Like i say always, the strongest of walls would come down after a crack has been made.
The Crack in our relationship was when i saw her cry because she felt alone in the relationship.
I confided in others but never with her.
She also left.
I remebered something because even the bible says, "in the mouth of two or three witnesses a matter is established."
Different ladies who found their way into my space, left me saying the same thing.
The problem isn’t with them but with me.
All of them left because of the walls i built around me.
When i discovered this, i felt free.
I also figured that, when they all left i never went after them.
I guess that's another wall.
I'll call it "The wall of pride."
Currently, I'm with Abigail.
I hope that the walls i built with Amanda, Rose, kaima, Mary and Julie are finally down.
Instead of assuming she likes what i do, i ask her what she likes.
I tell her where I'm going and what I'm doing.
I make sure she joins to celebrate and cry with me.
I ask for her advise where needed and make sure i follow it where required.
I just hope that i don't build another wall along the way.
But in other to make sure that i don't.
I'm preparing myself to run after her should incase she decides to leave as a result of a mistake i might make.
