Got Anger?

Here in my Fairfax office, I can’t tell you how many men I have seen on this issue alone. Most men come to me reluctantly, usually due to pressure from their spouse, work supervisor or in extreme cases…the court/criminal justice system.

Many don’t understand where their anger comes from…especially if those around them don’t exhibit this same type of response to anxiety-provoking situations.

When I tell people I work with men who've got anger issue a lot, many ask, “how do you help angry men? Aren’t they just assholes?” No, I find that there is a rationale for the behavior. And how do I help them? Well, it depends on a variety of factors.

Those that are court ordered to see me usually just want some tips, some techniques to use when they feel themselves becoming angry and moving towards the point of lashing out, either verbally or physically.

So that is what I teach them, simple techniques which they can use to suppress that urge to lash out. However, for me, this is the medical equivalent of putting a dressing on an infected open wound. The wound may be bound but underneath the infection is still there.

Those men that are willing to go further, underneath the surface that is where the true therapeutic work lies. Many men learn to lash out in anger from their male models, usually fathers, grandfathers, older brothers, and uncles.

However, I find that this “modeling those in your environment” is too simplistic of an explanation. When I go deeper into the origins of the anger response, I find uncomfortable (for the client) feelings are hidden there, such as shame and a deep mistrust of others.

Many times the anger masks a deep well of depression; therefore the anger actually serves a rational purpose, to keep that man from becoming overwhelmed by this state of deep depression which exists.

Family Therapist Terrence Real in his national bestseller about men and depression discusses the issue of covert depression and how anger and rage can often hide the true issue: severe and extensive depression.

I think about this from time to time when I am driving on the beltway and witness aggressive drivers deliberately cutting off other motorists, tailgating them and sometimes even blowing their horns. Such men use to create annoyed feelings in me, nowadays I feel pity and sadness.