For most of my life i bypassed anger so quickly and efficiently that i barely registered it was there before i had already moved past it. Something would happen that should have produced anger and instead i would go almost directly to understanding the other person, finding the generous interpretation, giving the benefit of doubt, moving on.
I thought that was maturity. Looking back it was mostly suppression that had learned to sound like equanimity.
The problem with consistently bypassing the anger is that you also bypass what it is pointing at. Anger at its most useful is just information about something that matters to you that has been violated or crossed. It says this thing that just happened was not okay and here is what it cost. And if you skip past the feeling before you hear what it is saying you also skip the useful information it carries.
I had a pattern of relationships where the same things kept happening that i kept understanding and forgiving without ever addressing. The understanding was genuine. But understanding without the boundary that should follow it is just a sophisticated way of accepting ongoing treatment that is not acceptable without having to say anything.
When i finally stopped skipping and actually listened to what the anger was telling me, the information was much clearer than i expected. Specific. Pointed. About things that had been happening for a while that i had been too busy being understanding to name out loud.
Anger can be disproportionate. It can be displaced, landing in the wrong place because something else was not addressed. It needs to be examined, not just acted on immediately.
But it needs to be heard first. It knows something. Before you talk yourself out of it, find out what it is trying to tell you.
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