My People Are Hurting

"My people are hurting because they are silent about their suffering and for the most part, they suffer alone.” Many of the students looked at each other not really sure where our sometimes theatrical professor was going with this particular topic. My professor besides teaching graduate students how to become therapists also ran a small private practice in Washington, D.C. and continued seeing clients on an almost daily basis.

Many of the students looked at each other not really sure where our sometimes theatrical professor was going with this particular topic. My people are hurting? What?

My professor, besides teaching graduate students how to become therapists, also ran a small private practice in Washington, D.C. and continued seeing clients on an almost daily basis.

My professor went on to elucidate us further on the topic at hand. He wanted us to understand the how and why so many men in his age and generational bracket were struggling with depression and what could be done about it. At the time, just entering my thirtieth year of existence, I really didn’t fully understand why his “people” were hurting. Now as a licensed counselor in private practice, working with many professional men in Northern Virginia, I get it. Not to mention the fact, I am slowly creeping toward that age bracket.

Throughout our lives we form various relationships with others, some of these relationships almost seem compulsory, such as being a sibling or child. Most relationships though are voluntarily and purposely nurtured by us. However, I have observed a curious thing, as heterosexual men find a spouse and marry, their previous important platonic friendships (i.e. the 'bros') seem to take a back seat and these relationships often times slowly wither and die off, like a plant no longer receiving water and sunlight. Flash forward many years down the road and a man finds himself “in the twilight of his years” cut off from meaningful male relationships; at most he may have work related acquaintances, although even these are often times competitive.

At this point, his intimate relationship(s) probably just consist of himself and his wife (and many do not even have that), when divorce occurs the internal lives of these men is thrown into turmoil.

No support system is in place, no network to turn to for emotional rescue. Women, on the other hand, tend to nurture relationships throughout their lives when they divorce a strong support network is already in place many times. Even men who are married, however, can feel this loss of intimate male bonding and connection. So many men base their identities on their job titles, career ambitions or work performance that at end of the day, they can feel disconnected and lost. However, that is a topic for another day.

Even men who are married, however, can feel this loss of intimate male bonding and connection. So many men base their identities on their job titles, career ambitions or work performance that at end of the day, they can feel disconnected and lost. However, that is a topic for another day.

So many men base their identities on their job titles, career ambitions or work performance that at end of the day, they can feel disconnected and lost. However, that is a topic for another day.

So how about meeting that buddy you haven’t seen in years for coffee and donuts? Time to reignite and reinvigorate that friendship.