Invited to rest my weary body, amongst this new family of mine. I stand back and let everyone find a comfortable spot, then I try to find my place. But everyone looks so cozy and content, I don't want to get in the way, to interfere. So I stay on the outskirts.
Another invitation, this time to close our eyes and feel the connection. But I just can not, I find myself staring at the ceiling, the music washing over me. I feel uncomfortable, out of place, so I rise, and exit the room. A wave of sadness comes over me and the familiar feeling of not feeling worthy enough.
Of being unable to put myself first. Afraid to take those steps towards self worth, so instead I step out and away.
I have struggled, with a low sense of self worth. I have been working on it, but tonight it came back and pretty much slapped me in the face. There was no denying, that I need to work more on loving myself.
When it comes to others, I can easily open my heart and let my love flow, but I still struggle, when it is directed towards myself. I know that I deserve it, but sometimes, I come across another blockage, one that was obviously buried quite deep.
I just feel grateful, that they are finally surfacing and that I can release the pain that was trapped within them. I don't believe we need to relive anything, that we need to drag up old memories. What we do need however, is to expose those blockages, acknowledge them, open them up and let them go.
This can be done by movement alone. That is the beauty of it, the beauty of our healing. It can be so simply, we just need to reconnect with ourselves. Which is not so easy in this human world, that focuses so much more on financial worth, than self worth.
Where most healing, comes from external forces, from the doctors and practitioners. They certainly have a place in our world. But we should not be so dependent on them.
Living in a world, where we have distanced ourselves, from one another. Claimed our territory and put up, both physical and emotional walls. Yes we see one another in passing, we interact with others on the streets.
But how often, do you actually take the time to be present for someone, to really see them. Feel them, be there for them. Open up your heart to them. I imagine, not often enough.
We need support when we heal, it doesn't always have to be face to face. It can be from a distance, knowing that you have a support network in place, no matter the size.
Many people struggle with that right now and even when it is there, it can be really difficult to accept it.
Which is what I really struggled with tonight and it surprised me, because I thought I had dealt with most of it. This belief that I am not worthy enough.
But it seems I continue to carry deep wounds within, ones that I have to ultimately reach out to and start to love.