Smooth sailing. I would like to be able to say, that my move and everything that goes with it, has been going swimmingly. But for some reason, this process keeps getting blocked. The new place that I was meant to be moving to, has fallen through. So now I am back to where I started, trying to find somewhere to live.
I really like the area that I was supposed to be moving to, my girls have friends there and my two eldest can walk to the kids space that they attend 3 times a week. There is also a weekly market there as well, where I could set up a stall and make an income. But I got a phone call over the weekend to say, that i could no longer go there, for reasons that I don't really need to go into right now.
Was I disappointed, for sure, just as I was feeling that things where starting to flow, this happened. My life has been like that for a while now, where I constantly come up against obstacles. I know that this is a normal part of life, but really I was hoping for a smooth run, from here on in, at least until I had moved and settled in for a bit.
So now I have 2, possibly 3 weeks until I have to move from the land, I have been on for the last 6 years and I am feeling somewhat deflated. I managed to get some packing done over the weekend, but with the truck still not sold and now this, I can feel my energy dipping a lot.
I keep telling myself, that a better place awaits me, but once again I find myself with sleepless nights and know that this can only end up with me getting burned out, again. I am trying so hard not to follow that pattern.
But when I awake at 3a.m in the morning and my brain goes into overdrive, about all that I need to do, I find it so hard to go back to sleep.
Truck! No Place To Move To! So Much Work To Still Do! 2-3 Weeks To Make It All Happen, over and over in my head, like a broken record! Not to mention all the dark shit that is happening in the world right now, just skirting the edges.
I take a deep breath and tell myself that it will all work out okay, but at 5 a.m in the morning, even I find that hard to believe!
So I toss and turn, unable to get comfortable in my own bed and next thing I know daylight is starting to break and the birds begin to sing and all I want to do is switch off from it all.
If I am lucky, I sleep for maybe an hour, and then my girls start to stir. I lie there for a bit longer, welcoming the morning hugs I receive, but also feeling so exhausted. These days, I find myself getting irritated easily and I know it is down to lack of sleep.
I am so grateful for the chaga tea that I brew each day, because I know that it is helping me get through this. I would love to be writing something more positive today. I sat for a while in front of the computer, trying really hard to think of a positive topic to share. But shit is so heavy right now, in my life and indeed in the world.
And I need to get it out and not carry it around with me, as I have shared already so many times, writing has always been a great therapy for me.
I know nothing stays the same for long, that something will come up, but I also feel like I have had quite a few blows, these last few years and yes it is toughing me up, but I would so like to just have break right now.
So I continue to take deep breaths and focus on all the amazing things in my life, all that I have to be grateful for. But I have to say, I am so ready to leave this part of my life behind and embrace everything that is coming afterwards. Knowing that whatever is going to transpire this next year, that I am more than prepared for it! (As long as I have a little breather in between)
Although sometimes, I do question, if I am indeed in the right place, but that decision is not just mine to make, I have 3 other amazing beings that really want to stay around this area. So for now, I am trusting that all will indeed be well! (if only my 3a.m self would agree.)