Some of my days are heavier than others, I wake up and dread the thought of having to get out of bed. Dreading that moment when it hits me all over again. I go from feeling so numb and empty, to suddenly feeling some of my inner light returning. A small flicker of light, coming out of the darkness. Grief is such a heavy and necessary burden, I wear it all the time, yet I do not let it consume me.
On other days, I awake with a song in my head and the spring in my step, seems to be returning. Everyday is so different, everyday I seem to remember more and more memories and everyday I feel the loss accumulate. I know that grief has no clear path, that we all experience it differently. I am just trying my best to take each day as it comes. To surrender to this journey that I am on.
The hardest is accepting, fully accepting that you are no longer with me in the physical sense, that you will not get to hear my youngest say her first real sentence. I remember in the hospice when we were together and I was talking about how my daughter, your niece, was discovering new words everyday and you said without thinking, I can't wait to hear her talking properly. We both looked at one another then and the pain I saw in your eyes, as you had to face your faith. You made me promise that I would not let my daughters forget you, that I continue to talk about you with them. That was the easiest promise I have ever made.
And now when my youngest does say a new word, you are the first person I want to contact, to share in the magic of her development. I know I can still talk to you, to your spirit, but it is not the same. I do not get to hear you, I do not get to hear your voice.
Acceptance is so hard, so very hard. How great it would be, to wake up and it was all a dream. Oh how great that would be.
In trying to describe my sadness and my grief, this poem came from me.
My Tears so heavy,
creating craters in the ground,
I seem to carry all this weight,
my emotions locked up and contained,
in this veiled merry go round.
A small glimpse of salvation,
of paved roads that may ease my pain,
Yet so unnatural is my desire
To let go and feed into the this,
this strain.
that effects all of my being,
than leaves me with little to sustain.
I want to scream it all away,
To wrap myself up in your voice
to rearrange each of my days.
Seeking wholeness and calm
on these rough rough seas
I find myself dreaming of the gentle breeze,
of soft rain that melts away my pain.
Each day is a toss up between feeling overwhelmed
and slightly insane.
But this light,
it never is extinguished,
my flame,
it continues to blaze,
My many colours are ever changing,
I am transforming
I will never be the same.