blog. random train of thought present tense ramblings about my emotional state.
youtube vid "learning to fly", by the immortal tom petty
Spent the last week depressed and in tears, with my mind stuck in fear and anxiety, the impossibility of remaining in PAL, believing that everything I think I know and feel is wrong, overwhelmed with emotions.
I have not been handling my emotions well. Or at least thats what everyone tells me. I don't know when or how to step away. I wish I had an app with a blue tooth mood ring hook-up, and pop up warning messages that ping me when I go into the red, things like, stop talking. walk away from the monitor. breathe. stretch. drink water. go for a walk. meditate.
I've always thought of myself as emotionally aware and rational. During the last six months I've learned that other people do not concur, so I've been trying my best to correct some of my ingrained patterns that scare people off so that people I care about don't wind up avoiding me and screaming at me and wishing me anywhere else. I've been trying my best to change and I thought I was making headway. I just touched the tip of an iceberg it seems.
I spent the first twenty years or so of my life as a moody rock. I kept everything inside. I couldn't cry, I rarely laughed, unable to hold conversations or touch people except by hitting them. Everything hurt me or made me angry, and I hadn't a clue how to make it stop.
Autism wan't really a thing when I was growing up, except for worst case scenarios. Instead I got the stereotypical check next to "does not play well with others". People avoided me. I avoided them. I hibernated in my room. I read books. And so I never really learned.
I didnt know how to make friends and if I did I rarely kept them because I have anxiety, and a bad habit of blowing up, blaming other people when I feel unloved. It's a humiliating lesson that keeps getting repeated for me. No matter how many times I learn it, my triggers go deep and at best I've learned to contain my outbursts. It seems that I have the emotional reactions of an angry six year old.
To say that there is some shame, anger, hurt and envy here is an understatement. I see other people do social things with seeming ease that have taken me years to painfully navigate.
I know there is a lot wrong with me in other people's eyes. I talk to whomever I can trying to understand how my emotional reactions are inappropriate, and when they are justified. I work a lot on trying to build boundaries, but then I am unable to sustain them because I forget. But just because I am broken does not mean I don't have value.
Recently, one of my best friends - one of the few people who accepts me for who I am - had been having issues. Ongoing pain from a possible stomach ulcer which turned into an undiagnosed pain near his gall bladder. His doctor finally recommended a CT scan.
Having worked at a top hospital for five years in oncology, I was well aware of all the different tests, and also the various reasons for them. Naturally my mind immediately scrolled through all the possibilities and stopped at cancerous tumor, even knowing how unlikely it was.
I was really good at my job because I could stay unattached, even with someone who has stage four cancer. I think most people believe I'm a volatile mess in person. In truth I'm much more like that moody rock. But when it's someone I love, I've found out how easily I can freak out.*
I'm trying to learn how to separate, and how to not blame other people, and how to accept that I can't have what I want. I don't know if I will ever conquer the first. I'm not sure I'm capable of emotional separation, and it seems to be my downfall. So for now I might be doing an awful lot of walking away and disappearing.
I'm not doing this because I'm looking for a reaction. It isn't because I'm angry, or unreliable, or trying to play a game. It's because I'm confused and overwhelmed, and don't want to hurt anyone or make anyone angry with me because I lost my temper or became reactive or anxious.
To all of the many people who have run into my temper and assinine arguments when I was stuck or having an anxiety attack, I'm sorry. I'm trying to do better. It seems like I keep failing, but I'm still trying.
My thanks to the many peoples who have endured my questions and given advice.
post-script: happy to say said friend does not have cancer, and will most likely be fine, though grouchier from his restricted diet