Dear diary,
In few months time I would become a graduate in mechanical engineering. It's strange that I don't feel as excited as I ought to be probably because this was what my parents wanted and not me.
They wanted an Engineer because none of my other siblings pursue that career or could it be because they thought I was the brightest amongst them who could achieve that feat. While growing up I wrote an essay in high school on the title “WHAT I WISH TO BECOME IN FUTURE”, An essay written from the abyss of my heart with all honesty, I ran home with joy in my heart to show my dad my score from the essay and just as he read through and saw what I had chosen as a career choice… “A Writer”.
My Dad squat before me and placed his hands on my shoulder, I thought he wanted to praise me for my good grades but instead he said, “son why this?... I always called you an engineer because I know how intelligent you are and besides how much does writing pay as a career choice in our world of advancing technologies”. Slowly the smiles on my face disappeared, I had great respect for my dad and I was always willing to please him for the sacrifice he had made for me to get me where I was but not standing up for what I wanted that day made my smile never to return.
My dad began to mould me Into an engineer, he knew I wasn't really good at maths so he would constantly tutor me and would also ask Jeff to help out . Jeff was our immediate neighbours son, Jeff does his best but I still wasn't getting it right and that was when my father became a different person, constantly yelling at me each time I got a bad grade, he would compare me to Jeff who always had A’s in maths.
I became so afraid that I began to lose confidence in my self wondering if icould ever do it right, you know please my father. I was losing sleep, wasn't eating well as I Constantly worked maths again and again, rather than understand it I was gradually developing a photographic memory. I began to score good grades but not because I understood what I had solved in the exam hall but because I could Remember it exactly how I saw it in my books. My dad was really proud, why wouldn't he, I was doing well, but was I happy?... At the expense of my social life, my happiness, my self esteem, I was having good grades. The journey of becoming an engineer is about to end… it's about to become a mission accomplished for my dad but does he know the story behind the scene.
Things got worse in college as I had to use some drugs to get me on a level which I was able to assimilate everything am reading because failing was not an option. I wasn't relating well with my peers because I felt I didn't belong there.
The first question my therapist asked me… “Simon is a very good friend whom I shared my thoughts with that's why I called him my therapist”... Why didn't you speak up all this years?... I could Remember I did not have the answer but I knew I wanted to please him at least after my other siblings had chosen a different path from what he wanted, I guess I thought I would develop some interest along the line.
Few months to my graduation and I find out that am wrong, already five years studying engineering and I still don't have interest and my grades have suffered a lot because am barely dragging my grades across the finish line.
Dear diary, I intend to tell my dad, it's going to leave him shattered I know but I think it's time I speak up before I lose my sanity.
If you find yourself In my shoes I think it's time to stop hurting yourself, it's time to speak up and do what makes you happy. Well am about to do that… Wish me luck.
