WHO AM I: The thing that started everything

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It all started when all of what has planned started shrinking piece by piece. First quarter of 2017, I was ready to stop working for now and instead pursue my 6-year dream, TO STUDY...

I was hoping to be accepted in a university that I’ve been dreaming for the past 6 years here. For the last 6 years, everything feels right, where and what are you working for but suddenly that day when you decided to pursue this dream, and read the e-mail you have been waiting for, “We have given due consideration to your application and regret that you have been unsuccessful. We regret that the School does not consider appeals…”

E-mail rom NUs 02_edited.jpg

I was shattered into pieces, pieces of me wondering why I was still standing as a whole.

But one thing is for sure, Tarot saved me...

My mother and grandmother have a deep knowing on Astrology. I remember my grandmother used to ask every visitor on her house at Quarry, in the Philippines, specifically trying to know each and everyone’s Zodiac sign and from there started a deep-seated conversation between my Lola and her visitors. Some of my Lolo’s friends would visit my Lola just to have a personal palm reading with her. While my mother was growing, she tend to be open and vocal with her dreams as well and always being near to her friends who can literary read cards using the ordinary playing cards. From then on, she used to use these cards as well to answer her, and someone’s question but her brother was not in favor with Mama with regards to these fortune-telling practices.

Before 2016 has ended, I was terminated on my job. Because the project I was handling was near to its ending, this company needs to terminate a lot of his staff to still sustain the company since it doesn’t have any more projects and cannot manage to win any tender after this huge project. The plan is to get a job as soon as possible to cater to my savings and add up some more to my future studies. After interview to another interview, I came across to a company that I am fully decided with again dealing with a huge project but now, a theme park project, but as a matter of course, fate didn’t allow it.

So, I was forced to have a solitude retreat...

Mines View Park, Baguio City, Philippines (10 min. jog from my house)

As a licensed Architect by profession, I was born to solve problems and I really love challenges. It gives me that drive to be curious on how to solve these challenges at hand. I cannot stop or proceed to the next important step unless I solved and found the answer to my present question. That’s why; I didn’t wonder why I love Research + Cities + Places… These are the things what’s keeping me driven and still holding to this dream… A dream of becoming an Urban Planner!

“Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

As what Dory from Finding Nemo the movie are the only words running to mind when I am on the deepest waters of the pool. Swimming is my other form meditation. It makes me feel, that I am still ALIVE. Indeed! I am really alive, and still breathing into these breathtaking waters of my deepest desires, passion and emotions.

As born Leo, I am burning with all desires and passions. It’s all about the heart. It’s all about the emotion. It’s all about burning fire from within. I need that form of release in order not to be bored or to be burnt out.

Creativity, Curiosity and Ambition is ME...

After being terminated, feeling lost and agitated at my hometown, I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know what my next steps were. All I get to do is wait and run while waiting for any clues for all the questions I have in my mind.

*Why me? *

Am I not that good enough?

Why? Am I useless?

I am lost right now.

Still my heart beats like a drum go STUDY! Go!

How can I be heard and push myself to my full potential?

How can I still be enthusiastic and courageous about this life again?

Can someone tell me, how can I proceed from here?

One thing is for sure I need to Study! All my savings are at stake now. Hopefully I can receive any sign on where to proceed from here.

Early months of 2016, I don’t want to think of anything with regards to work and my studies. But instead, what I was doing is watching Astrolada, and Kelly’s monthly predictions, YouTube Astrology channels and monthly Tarot Card readings with Karleen.

My journey started from here. I was curious about Stars and Astrological Houses, Planets and hopefully how they are affecting me as a person. I was really in need and hoping for any answers that could help me figure out my life right now:

Is the world really has a plan for me? I’m scared of hell right now!

Why am I like this?

What makes me, ME?

Do others see me as I want to be perceived?

Am I using the best of my potentials?

What are the other things I can still do to develop these gifts?

What are my weaknesses, what are my preferences and hates?

What are my childhood experiences that make me who I am right now?

Are these helpful of what I am trying to achieve and what I am trying to become?

What is my comfortable environment for working that brings out my best potential?

Is my future plan of studying is the right path for me now?

What went wrong in me? What happened in my life right now?

My brain couldn’t stop thinking. I need to do anything worthwhile waiting. What I mean by anything means anything!

So I did! I studied my own Birth Chart…

Above is my own sketch of my Birth chart. I am a visual person; I can only understand it by sketching it all over again in order to understand it piece by piece, element by element, house by house, zodiacs by zodiacs.

26th Dec 2017, a realization came, I realized that I was too focused on my dream of the past 6 years, and it did limit me of what else can be done, what else I can do to enhance myself while waiting for this dream to happen. I know in myself that I will never give up this dream but as these years pass by, I didn’t notice that I still have a lot to give and to offer in this world and to others…

After all the things, that just happened to me…

Now, Who am I?...

I don’t need to know if It’s the one or not. It just happened that it’s the one who never left I at all cost, literally, through thick and thin for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health.

Even though I’m not really ready to commit, I’m not prepared physically, mentally of what I planned and hoping to achieve at this very moment in my life right now, I know I achieved a lot but still something is missing, maybe I can be emotionally and spiritually prepared of what could happen or what can I achieve more by pursuing it…

Listen to every sound your instincts are saying...

This will lead you to so many answers your spirit is trying to tell you. If you can’t hear any sound, meditate, breath, listen to every sound around you.

One thing is for sure, my mind can’t stop learning. I need to refuel my mind, I don’t know whatever topic is it, but just continue with that guts instinct, never stop being curious at things, don’t mind what other people is saying who is stopping you to lead and go anywhere with your dreams.

Soon, this will take you there.

Don’t doubt every bit of experience that comes your way, all of these makes it of who you are right now. Don’t be scared of watching what will happen. Every bits of moment is meant to happen in your life. You might not know why this happens but surely in time, you might feel that exact feeling again, that exact moment will come to you again, and then a realization will come.

I will commit and continue this dream, to become an Urban Planner and still pursue, being a Tarot card reader. I will promise to post more of my life and who knows; maybe you also need that “something” to hold on to...