I have noticed how quickly I lose interest when every attempt must justify the time I spend on it, as though curiosity has to submit a reason before it earns a place in my day,
I have noticed how I measure an idea by whether it can become useful, whether it can be finished, or whether I will have something concrete to point to when someone asks,
I have noticed how easily I forget that some of my most meaningful discoveries began as things I could not explain, those little detours that seemed unproductive,
I have noticed how I keep asking whether an interest is worth following before I have stayed with it long enough to know what it might reveal,
I have noticed how much I miss the kind of attention that can remain with a question simply because something inside me keeps calling me back…
I sometimes want to make something without deciding where it belongs, without promising that it will become a finished piece, without calculating how it might eventually be received,
I sometimes want to follow an imagination that makes no immediate sense, or spend an afternoon exploring something that may never become more than a page I keep to myself,
I sometimes I catch myself looking for proof that the time was worthwhile, as though an experience needs to leave behind something visible before I am allowed to call it valuable,
I sometimes wonder if I can make an hour count even when there’s nothing remarkable to show for it, when I’ve worked hard for it,
I sometimes remember that curiosity does not need to know where it is going before it deserves to be followed…
I feel a particular pressure when I turn every interest into an obligation, when something I once freely begins carrying expectations, the fear that I might be wasting what I started,
I feel myself becoming so occupied with making the effort worthwhile that I leave almost no room for the unexpected thing that could have made it worthwhile,
I feel myself asking what the work will give me, while forgetting to notice what happens to my attention when I stop demanding that it give me anything at all,
I feel myself wanting an answer before the question had enough time to become something deeper, something worth being curious about,
I feel myself losing the pleasure of discovery whenever I insist that everything I discover must eventually become useful along the way…
I am beginning to understand enough differently, not as the point where I stop reaching, but as the place where I stop making every moment prove that it deserved to exist,
I am beginning to realize that I can desire a completed work without viewing every incomplete attempt always a wasted effort,
I am beginning to understand that ambition can live beside wandering, and discipline can exist without punishing every hour that refuses to produce something tangible,
I am beginning to wonder what could emerge if I explored without deciding beforehand what the exploration or what label it must be worth,
I am beginning to make room for the discoveries that arrive without a receipt, because not everything that enriches my life knows how to prove its value…
Watchwords:
Curiosity without a justification
Let the question remain open
Not every hour needs a result
Ambition without constant measurement
Discoveries that arrive without a receipt
Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..
As and will always be reminding you to dream: