Yesterday, I went to see a movie with a friend. I was wearing big black pants, an oversized shirt, and a white Muslim cap. Someone there said I looked good & I replied saying “I know, but thank you”. Because even if nobody complimented me, I knew it. The compliment was just a bonus.
My name is Fataw Freeman and was not cute !
This particular incident would have been considered impossible or should I say almost nonexistent some years back. The pressure on look’s and being desired all started at home. Every morning before my siblings and I were ready for school, my mother would have to shout countless times at me “Get Away From The Mirror!! You Are Not Cute.
Growing up, I was a boy who strived to be to be desired and loved by the opposite gender. I loved and admired girls so much that I always wanted to be in their good books. Unfortunately, this energy was never reciprocated and even in most instances, not noticed.
For years, I looked at myself through the female’s eyes. Everything, I bought or did was to appear attractive to girls. It wasn’t even their fault, I had forcefully placed my worth on them.
This is so painful to write. I’m almost retching but let’s go on. 😩
On my end, I did everything to appear desirable but the only time girls spoke to me was when they needed my mirror (I used to carry a mirror and hairbrush in my school bag, and even pomade to rub myself after performing ablution)
Now, by all my calculations, girls were supposed to be falling over themselves for my attention. Lmao. Nothing of that sort ever happened
I suffered this stupid feeling of rejection and undesirability although my days in high school. I literally had a rough childhood. There were even times that I cried all because I was not cute (very very laughable)
I don't remember exactly when or how I stopped this rubbish but recently I saw a tweet by a guy asking girls about their red flags in guys and as I went through the laughable replies, it hit me that 16 years old Fataw would’ve been taking notes of things to stay away from to become more desired by girls
So, release yourself from the shackles of societal gaze and I promise, you will find beauty everywhere. My journey was long and although it was worth it, I hope yours doesn’t have to take as protracted
