Disclaimer: I will not be diving deep into details of what happened, but the material I'll be talking about may be triggering to those of similar experiences of childhood sexual trauma, so please read with discretion and know your limits.
TL;DR: I am a professional counselor with a focus and specialization in treating trauma through eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). The following is my story of how I was molested as a child, what that did to me in my development, and how those experiences have influenced me and made me the man and professional that I am today.
The Red Folder
To provide a common-ground understanding about trauma for the rest of this discussion, I'd like to present the biological basis of trauma. Everything we experience is storeed
The healthy memory network is a network of neurons, dendrites, and neural synapses that have been formed as a result of regular life experiences. These experiences teach lessons about how to have a healthy relationship with the world around us - lessons like "don't touch the stove, it's hot" or "it's safer to travel with familiar people in unfamiliar places." These lessons help us to navigate the world and its many challenges in a healthy and adaptive way, and remembering the memories that taught us these lessons typically doesn't cause too much distress.
The disturbed memory network, however, is a series of neurons, dendrites, and neural synapses that were formed as a result of an event, statement, or thought that was so far outside of what was "normal" that our brains log away everything about that event in what I call the Red Folder so that we don't forget the significance of what took place. Let me illustrate with an example:
A child is playing with their toys in the living room while their mother toils away in the kitchen, baking an apple pie as a treat for the family after dinner. Suddenly, they hear the front door open and slam shut. Dad's home, and he's been drinking. The slough of verbal abuse, shouting, and physical aggression that ensues shortly after causes the child to log this memory away in their Red Folder so that if anything similar to this situation happens again in the future, they know they're in an unsafe situation and need to do something to either get out or get ready to protect themselves.
Fast forward 20+ years after the child has grown up, gotten married, and started their own family and professional career. One day, when they are away at work, their spouse decides to surprise them with a treat to say "thank you" for the hard work they do for the family, so they begin to bake and apple pie. Well, when the now-grown child comes home - ready to relax and connect with their family - they open the door and BAM!... the smell of apple pie hits them like a brick wall. Suddenly, all the memories from 20 years ago come rushing forward to alert the traumatized individual that they're going into a dangerous situation, and their body is now in fight-or-flight mode. All of this, because their body logged away the smell of apple pie in association with that traumatizing event so many years ago.
Heartbreaking, I know, such a tragedy to lose the positive connection to such an intoxicating smell (that I'm sure my readers can even now perceive as they're reading this!). Jokes aside, this is how our bodies log traumatic events and environmental cues to assist us in keeping ourselves safe! It's an incredible self-defense mechanism, which evolutionarily allowed us to learn from experiences as a matter of survival... but in this particular example, shows the potential maladaptive expression of an adaptive measure. What could have been a very sweet and healing experience is now tainted and associated with the old trauma, and now everyone involved in the new memory has become associated with the original trauma as well... and the new experience has now become filed away in the Red Folder as well. In EMDR, the purpose of treatment is to target the precipitating event that created the Red Folder in the first place and reprocess it - not relive it - to gain a new understanding of the situation and learn new lessons from it which allow us to release the original event of the emotional weight it once carried. More on that later. For now, I want to share with you my own Red Folder.
The Death of Innocence
I was 6 years old. He had a fun Xbox game that I wanted to play, and they were a family that my parents trusted to watch over me while they worked/took care of the home (and as a parent, I understand the value of having even one less kid to worry about and what that can do for productivity in the home). I was invited to come over to play while my mom put my siblings down for a nap so she could do some housework and self-care - their mom would be there, so there was nothing to worry about...
Until she left for only a brief moment to go grab some groceries real quick, leaving her oldest son in charge...
My memories of what happened next are still vague and foggy, I just remember being invited to "play a fun game" in the older boy's room. I don't remember how old they were, but I don't remember being scared. There was nothing to be scared of, we trusted this family, after all. What I do remember was the phrase "you can't tell anyone, because this is a secret game." I was six years old when my innocence died, but I didn't figure that out until almost 20 years later...
This singular event set me on a life path that was very difficult and very painful. See, I grew up in a very traditional, conservative Church of Christ environment. My home life was honestly really good. I had loving parents, and siblings that I still consider my best friends to this day. But the environment I grew up in was one in which the rules were paramount, and I had to follow them if I wanted to get into Heaven one day (not the intent of my parents, I believe, but generally what was taught by the older, more traditional folks in my Sunday school classes). Because of this environment and the way I was sexually activated at an age where (1) my brain wasn't developmentally ready to understand such experiences, and (2) I was developmentally learning everything through experience and experimentation, I lived a double-life of secrecy and shame. Sex was a highly taboo topic (beyond your typical "don't do it before marriage because it's a sin") in my childhood church, so I had no one to talk to about the questions I had and the feelings I was trying to understand. That first experience with those older boys caused me to act it out with others in my life, just trying to make sense of these sexually driven feelings that I was feeling but unable to express without being "dirty" or "sinful."
I often attribute my "straightening out from experimental homosexuality" to discovering pornography at the age of 12-13 and realizing that the feminine figure is pretty f***ing amazing. However, this further fed into that double-life I was living, and the shame I felt for having what I considered to be "dirty" feelings. This contributed to an anxiety and depression that plagued me all through high school and well into my young adult life - a time during which I attempted to take my own life 3 times because I felt it was better for everyone around me if I removed the "hidden sexual monster" from their midst. These feelings of self-hatred and insecurity led to a long string of failed relationships that always ended in me being dumped for "being too emotionally needy" or "being too negative." I even had one give me a break-up letter with a bullet point list of things I needed to change about myself if I was ever going to be "relationship material". Ouch.
This whole time I grew up thinking I was just a deviant. Someone obsessed with these sexual feelings and fantasies for no good reason, and that "the Devil" had already taken my soul.
That is... until I met my wife.
Redeemed by Grace
In the few years before I met my wife, I remember struggling with the concept of God. I grew up believing in God, but the life I had lived taught me that He didn't care, didn't love me, and didn't have His hands "in" anything. The God I knew created the world, created the Laws of Nature, set it all in motion, and then pissed off to whatever corner of the universe He was in to watch the show unravel before him.
But I remember coming to a point where I was tired of attempting to make things work on my own, tired of trying and failing at relationships, tired of struggling day in and day out just to get out of bed and continue to wage the war inside my head against my demons. So I prayed something like this:
God, I don't know if you're there, or even if you care. But if you're listening, I need some help down here. I can't do it alone anymore. So, I guess just show me the way. Give me some opportunities, and grant me the wisdom to see them and take them. I don't know if there is some master plan or whatever, just help me to make the "right" steps towards being a better than I am now. Amen, I guess.
Now I know it could just be coincidence, but I kid you not, dear readers... I met my wife two hours later.
She was battling with her own demons, of course. Had recently been on educational probation for pathological lying that had caused a HUGE campus event of which I won't go into details because it isn't my place, and had recently returned after getting help from a therapist. We became friends through mutual friends of ours, began talking and texting basically every day over summer break due to several things we shared in common from hobbies and interests to family backgrounds and values. Our friendship grew so deep that we shared our deepest hurts and struggles with each other, and the acceptance I experienced in spite of the things that "made me unlovable" did something that allowed my mind to open the floodgates to the traumatic memory that started everything. I had repressed that initial experience so deeply in keeping the special game a secret, that I had forgotten it had even happened! But now, here it was, rushing forward in this space of acceptance and grace. She encouraged me to seek more specialized therapy than what I had been through before, and I was learning about EMDR in my classes at the time, so I sought out an EMDR specialized therapist and began seeing them for my trauma... and it changed my life forever. Through EMDR, I was able to go back to the original experiences and learn different lessons about myself. I wasn't "dirty" or "wrong", I was a child who experienced something new, something I didn't understand and needed to learn more afterwards. I wasn't evil, I was struggling with reconciling the things that were done to me with the beliefs and values that I was brought up in. I wasn't a monster, I was human and I was (and still am) learning and growing.
I title this section "Redeemed by Grace" because, if it weren't for the way me and my wife's relationship was founded by grace and acceptance, I don't think my body would have ever allowed me to access those memories. They would've been too much to handle with the way my body and mind was already stressed by all the self-hate and insecurity. But the grace and acceptance of all my parts, even the parts that were difficult or ugly, allowed for healing to take place. A healing that I now work to take and pay forward to others!
Where it All Led
So what does all of this lead up to? You are now looking at a young professional, specialized in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) trauma therapy, who actively works to help people come to a new understanding about their traumas and what the role they play in life. It is not a process of "forgetting" what happened, but rather assigning a new meaning to the experiences that hold us back - effectually creating hope and light where there once was only pain and darkness. Would I like to have come to this point without the experiences of pain that I lived through? ABSOLUTELY! But I believe that, because I lived through what I have, I have more empathy and understanding for the hurt in others as well as the how shame plays a part in keeping us stuck in our hurt. (If you haven't already and want to spend another 15 or so mins reading, give my blog post "A Thoughtful Discussion: Shame" a look-see!) So, although I would obviously rather not have experienced those things, I am thankful for how the lessons I have learned from them have made me the man and professional that I am today!
I think I'd like to end with this: if you are struggling with your own traumatic experiences and you can feel them holding you back from being the best version of yourself... don't hesitate to ask for some help. Trauma also looks different for everyone, a discussion that I'll probably save for another post - but I would encourage you to not downplay whatever your traumas and past hurts are because they "aren't as bad as someone else's". Trauma is trauma, and everyone deserves a chance to heal from it. If you are unsure about where to start or are curious about EMDR, I would recommend you begin learning about it from the EMDRIA website where you can also find a directory of EMDR certified professionals in your area. It's never too late to heal.
If you have reached this point in the post, I appreciate your time and attention. I hope that you were encouraged, or that something in my words resonated with you to let you know you're not alone. As always, take care of yourselves and each other, and stay thoughtful.
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