I began creating content seriously in March of 2017. I had heard of this thing called "Twitch TV" from a friend who talked about how he made money just playing video games and talking with people. It was in March of '17 that I was in a graduate level class about addictions and their treatment, and the semester-long assignment was to give up something important to us to simulate an addiction experience...
I gave up videogames... like a moron.
In order to "get my fix" I turned to Twitch in order to watch other people playing videogames so I could essentially live vicariously through them. I enjoyed the experience of chatting and forming relationships with creators so much that I decided I wanted to invest in live streaming as soon as the assignment was done.
This started a 5-year journey of establishing an online presence on a variety of platforms. What started as a simple creative outlet grew into something I was pouring loads of time into, trying to carve out my niche and turn content creation into a side-hustle. I have live streamed on Twitch, DLive, Mixer (RIP, you legend, you were too good for Microsoft), Trovo, YouTube, and now Vimm.tv! Across all these live streaming experiences, one thing has remained consistent:
When viewership was good, I felt good. When it was down, I felt down.
Now, being a counselor, I naturally have to look at this critically to see what I can glean from it and share with y'all so we can all grow together. So, let's dive in, shall we?
Ask any live content creator, and they'll all tell you that one of the biggest struggles as a newbie creator is getting viewers and chatters to find their content and stick around as a "regular". Weathering this period of time while you basically wait on people to find you can be hard and requires a good bit of mental fortitude.
What they don't tell you is that for every milestone, there is added pressure to continue innovating and growing so that you don't become "stagnant". Viewers sometimes become more demanding, smaller creators start using you for your "clout", and all the while your own mind is plaguing you with "what ifs" about what you've already done, what you're doing now, and what you're about to do. You are in the public eye now, and it only takes one person getting pissed enough to comb through old out of context tweets or clips to completely ruin you.
Thankfully, I never reached that point because I consistently struggled to break out of the 5-10 viewer zone... but I have absolutely experienced burnout as a result of "streamer culture" and the whole "rise and grind" mentality.
When "Creative Outlet" becomes "Rise and Grind"
When I first started streaming, it was to challenge myself creatively. I put my channel together and hit "go live" to see if I could "be entertaining." That changed into rebranding to "ThinkrDotExe" (a name I landed on after weeks of overthinking my new handle and the ability to make stupid jokes like "thinkr.exe has crashed"), creating a brand new logo, all my panels, and graphics for my overlays. During these early stages, I was proving to myself that I really was more creative than I originally thought. I had fun with the whole process, even though it wasn't "professional", it was mine and I was proud of it.
So what changed?
I think it changed when money entered the picture. I hit Affiliate status with Twitch after about 6 months of streaming at least 10-20 hours a week, and maintained those hours of grinding to begin making money off this venture I had worked so hard on. I put so much effort into it, why shouldn't I benefit from it?
For context, I was working a dead-end job at the University I was getting my Master's Degree from in order to pay for my tuition. My son was born in the later months of 2017, and my paycheck was barely enough to cover all our basic needs. I began to look at my content creation as more of a side-hustle, and less of a creative outlet. The frustrating thing about it is that I was putting in 10-20 hours a week - taking precious time away from my newly growing family on top of the 40 hour a week job I was already working and my gradschool program - and the return on it was shit.
I was frustrated. My life wasn't going the way I wanted it to, I was saddled with the responsibility of providing for a family before I'd even gotten my professional degree (let alone professional license to practice), my student loan debt was only growing, and my earnings from everything I was emotionally and spiritually killing myself over weren't worth all the energy I was throwing at them. This began to show through in my content, as well as my job and my relationships. Viewership began to dwindle as my viewers found more dynamic and entertaining creators who weren't visibly burnt out, and my self-image took a major hit. I felt like a failure in every realm of my life. It didn't matter what platform I streamed on, how many "discoverable" tweets I put out, how many Tik Tok videos or YouTube videos I released... I just couldn't "cut it".
That's when I realized that I was allowing something that was, by its very nature, wildly inconsistent... to determine my worth. Part of that was the Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD for short) - a fun side-effect of adult ADHD - acting up and making me read way more into people's words or their simple lack of presence than what belonged there. However, it was still worth noting that so much of my value I was basing on what I thought other people thought of me based on their interactions with my content. Also, I was spending so much time trying to get what I perceived as public approval and validation for my creative prowess that I was slacking off in other areas of my life - like being a husband and a daddy.
Enter the balancing act.
Rediscovering Balance and Maintaining Equilibrium
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If you're a content creator, I'm sure that at least some of the things I've talked about so far are resonating with you, even if our journeys look a little different. When I realized how out of balance my life was, I had to make a change. I tried cutting content creation out of my life entirely to invest more into my family. Going to that extreme, however, only led to subconscious feelings of resentment towards my family for "taking away" something I enjoyed from me.
God bless my wife and her patience for putting up with me and sticking by my side throughout the hurt and disequilibrium I put her through in all this!
It wasn't until very recently, understanding what I now understand about RSD and the nature of these pseudo-social interactions that take place online, that I began to find more balance in my life. Honestly, I attribute a good bit of that to getting involved in the Hive community! More on that in a bit...
The lion's share of balance is a matter of perspective and positive psychology. When I look at myself and my content from a perspective of shameful criticism, I'm naturally going to be focused on that which drags me down and keeps me from "advancing" in life. When I look at myself from a perspective of constructive criticism, I'm able to examine my strengths and merits alongside my weaknesses and shortcomings WITH THE PURPOSE of looking forward to what I can accomplish moving forward. Also, as I pointed out in my blog post about shame, when I direct my mental energy towards the way forward as opposed to all of the obstacles or hazards that lay before me, I'm more capable of making meaningful steps towards my goals.
So how has Hive helped me with this? As I've said before in comments and earlier posts (I think...), I originally came out of curiosity and a desire to make $$$! What I found was a community and culture that was all about being part of something bigger than ourselves. Yes, we are able to make money (in some cases, quite a lot of it, too!), but ultimately the value of Hive lies in the spirit of encouraging the best in each other, supporting creativity and learning, and connecting individuals from diverse backgrounds in meaningful ways. I don't feel like I have to "rise and grind" here, and though I have goals, I'm more intrigued by the opportunity to create for the pure enjoyment of creation - knowing that I will receive a modest return for the time I spent in doing something I enjoy. Creation no longer feels like just a fruitless effort for a heartless corporation (fuck you, Twitch), but a true expression of self and growth that those who were meant to find it and interact with it... will. I'm not sure what it is about Hive, but there is much less pressure to perform and more freedom to express. Maybe the key lies in the fact that every post not only holds creative value, but a true monetary value as well - making it feel like less of a waste of time? I'm not sure...
What I do know is that through this whole process, what I've learned is that knowing myself and fully embracing that self is paramount to everything - not some random interactions online, not empty metrics of performance on a platform's analytics dashboard, not even the financial return I receive from my efforts online and IRL. If my efforts on Hive or anywhere else cause me to be less myself with my family, then I will know to return to my core: I am a man of faith, a man who loves his family and wants to give them the best of himself, a man who thinks and loves deeply, and a man whose creativity goes beyond content for others to consume and validate.
Did I answer the question "how to balance your self-image with your content performance"? Nope. I'm not really sure that was ever my goal starting out. If there is anything that I hope you take away from this, dear reader, is this:
Never allow something as inconsistent as online consumers with constantly shifting appetites and interests to determine the worth of your work, your interests, and your soul. You are priceless, as is your work. Take that value and apply it to every realm of your life, and I imagine the way you approach your life is going to look radically different.
Apologies if any of this seemed disjointed or rambling... I've been thinking about this for a while now, and sometimes my writing reflects the free-flow of my thoughts (thanks ADHD). However, if you've stuck with me to this point, I genuinely appreciate your time and attention, and I hope you got something from the thoughts I have shared with you today!
As always: take care of yourselves and each other, and stay thoughtful.
Your friendly neighborhood dork,
~Thinkr
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