I'm told that when I was a kid I loved the water, i was a "total waterdog" , There are pictures of me at the ocean, and playing in the pool.
i loved to run through the sprinkler in the front yard, as my grandfather played lifeguard (he later told me he was just counting cars)
We had a big back yard with three apple trees, a horseshoe pit, clothes lines and a big pool.
I'm not sure how she did it, but my grandmother found a away to turn the seasonally green watered pool, into a crystal clear water haven.
After she passed we were never able to get it that clear without completely replacing the water... seems like a lifetime ago.
One year my cousins and I were playing "marco polo" in the pool.. there was a big splash and what seemed like a wave of water hit me in the face (i was later told it was barely a splash")
I remember feeling like my eyes were on fire,Ii screamed and was pulled out of the water. my..uhh "aunt. c" we'll call her.. came out and was so angry that i wasn't "seriously injured".. all i could say was that i got water in my eyes and it burned..
The next year we didn't clean our pool, nana wasn't there and no one else knew how to do it right..
we instead went to my great aunt lolly's, for the next couple of summers we would all go over to lolly's and swim, have bbq's and potlucks.. we played family pool games, had relay races.... all the summer funn that any kid would want.
I soon discovered that i could not handle having water in my eyes..or on my face.. being in a pool with a bunch of kids having fun and splashing water around, became intolerable.
I didn't want to be in the pool any more, so instead i would play rummy or dominoes with my great aunts.. aunt c didnt like that i wasn't being a kid..in her mind i was begging for attention, i told her my issue with the water and she said she could help me overcome it..
we went into the pool, she held my shoulders and pushed me under the water, when she let me up
she simply said " now this time open your eyes" and pushed me under again.
you know the feeling you get when you accidentally get water up your nose? imagine someone subjecting you to that repeatedly, and them telling you "its ok it'll get easier".....
We did this "excersize" every summer for the next 3 years..
By the time that i was 12 years old, i refused to go swimming, i cant handle water hitting my face in the shower, no lake or ocean trips, no running through the sprinklers..
we stopped going to aunt lolly's, why? i dunno.. but we stopped, and i didnt have to make up excuses to not go swimming that summer, so it was ok, right?
Let's fast forward a bit... im 22 years old and just moved to florida, 30 minutes away from the ocean, my love took me there and i just wanted to put my feet in.. he knew all about my fear.. he held my hand and lead me deeper into the water, i was so scared but he had me and said it was safe, i trusted him, i felt so safe and carefree, being chest deep in the water reminded me of my childhood, i was so small and weightless...
All of a sudden a wave of water crashed down on me
i was taken back to the first time the water got in my eyes, scared, confused and in pain..
I felt so betrayed, i told him about my fears and he just let it happen.. a fight we would soon have and makeup from.
That was the last time he tried to help me get over my fears..
We would go on "family" water trips.. i would stay as far away from the water as possible, always brought a book or had my phone to keep me busy.
no longer in that relationship.
this past summer (summer 2017)
i made a goal to find my love of water again. i want to go swimming, i don't want to be afraid to have water hit my face,
and i did it!
i went to the lake, I swam, and I even went under water....
I still to this day cannot open my eyes under water, and i cannot handle surprise water attacks no matter how playful they may be
but i can go under, and i can put my face in the stream of water in the shower without panicking... and to me thats a huge step..to me.
