It's /only/ been about a year since I left my last job.
Last December I left my job as a housekeeper and moved back to California from Florida.
In early January some things happened that took a huge toll on my emotional and mental health, I joke and say by brain cracked but its how I really feel sometimes.. anyways.. I had to take some time off to try and get myself to an "OK" state of being.. I wasn't eating, or sleeping, or taking care of myself in any manner.. I kind of just layed around and cried..Lots of panic attacks, suicidal thoughts.. I was in such a self destructive state of mind, I'm still not sure how I'm finding my way out of that darkness but I am, slowly but i am working on it.
My taking some time has turned into almost a year.
Though I'm still trying to patch up this cracked rain of mine, I've decided i need to try and find some semblance of normalcy.
From the time i was about 12 years old i had a job.. cleaning houses weekly, mowing lawns in the summer, babysitting, on top of school and taking care of my grandfather. When i was 17 I graduated and got a job at a local grocery store, soon got promoted to working in the bakery, full time job and keeping up with my weekly housecleaning schedule, alongside helping out with my church functions, and household duties. Kept that job for 2 years before i moved to Nevada and started working in an amazon warehouse, loading trucks for 40-70 hours a week, i was working, dating, had my own place and a car, best of all i even had a social life with friends! Life was good, but as always things went sour and i need to leave my job and make a quick move back to cali.. within a few weeks I landed a job as a caregiver in a senior living facility, got myself into another abusive relationship, worked my way to a full-time position, after a year i applied for a promotion and got it, i was the new med tech (woohoo!) things are working out, right?
nope. I had to get out of this relationship and once i did, the abuse still didn't stop, i was constantly being harassed and threatened by this person, he was friends with a few of my co-workers so things at work got sticky too.
I was soon swept off my feet by this seemly prince charming, all i knew is he wasn't an ass.. he was nice and treated me right. When I started to have anxiety because of all the shit that was going on, my new guy encouraged me to take a couple weeks off work, I settled on 10 days.. I stayed with him and his family for that time off, his grandfather made me relax, he even made me pancakes for breakfast and soup for lunch everyday, along with coffee or tea, he made me sit down and read or watch tv, just "absolutely no working" we would hang out until my man (we'll call him 'H') got off work, that was the best 10 day break I've ever had. I went back to work and it was like i never left, the break i just had was just a dream and i was back in anxiety and depression ridden hell. Over the next few months i just got worse. H and I talked and decided that i would put in my notice at work and just go to being and on call caregiver. a few months later he and I moved to Florida where we stayed with his father and stepmother. I got a job as a housekeeper, my mental status quickly went downhill, H and I were fighting all the time, if we weren't fighting we were working or drinking.. most of my day was spent at work and then sleeping until i would go pick H up from work.
In December H enlisted into the navy, so we decided id come back to cali to stay with my family until he was done with boot camp, after his boot camp we were going to get married, that was the plan that we talked about a thousand times and he was" just so happy and excited to start a life together".
A couple weeks after i got here I woke up to a text message from H that long story short said 'I need to take a step back and figure out what i want to do in my life' we fell apart and simply stopped talking.. meanwhile my whole world fell apart, i had been in 3 abusive relationships before he found me he promised me the world and i believed in him no matter how rough things got.
I wasn't even sure where to begin, the idea seemed so simple, "go get a job, get back on your feet, save up and get a car and a place just like all the other times" I told myself this everyday... but my body just wasn't having it, I couldn't keep any food down, i threw up at least once a day even if it was just water for over 2 months.
I broke. he broke me.
Tomorrow i take a step.
