Abs Witch
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man

INT. CEMETERY - AFTERNOON

Pretty singer MS CHASTITY BELT is arguing with hot waiter MR CRAVEN MOOREHEAD. CHASTITY tries to hug CRAVEN but he shakes her off.

CHASTITY
Please Craven, don't leave me.
CRAVEN
I'm sorry Chastity, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CHASTITY
I am such a person!
CRAVEN frowns.

CRAVEN
I'm sorry, Chastity. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
CRAVEN leaves.

CHASTITY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, sexy body guard MR DICK AIKEN barges in looking flustered.

CHASTITY
Goodness, Dick! Is everything okay?
DICK
I'm afraid not.
CHASTITY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
DICK
It's ... a witch ... I saw an evil witch eat a bunch of dead poeple!
CHASTITY
Defenseless dead poeple?
DICK
Yes, defenseless dead poeple!
CHASTITY
Bloomin' heck, Dick! We've got to do something.
DICK
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CHASTITY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
DICK
I was...
DICK fans himself and begins to wheeze.

CHASTITY
Focus Dick, focus! Where did it happen?
DICK
haunted house! That's right - haunted house!
CHASTITY springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHASTITY rushes along the street, followed by DICK. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. HAUNTED HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER

CLAUDE BALLS an abs witch terrorises two dead poeple.

CHASTITY, closely followed by DICK, rushes towards CLAUDE, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

DICK
What is is? What's the matter?
CHASTITY
That's not just any old witch, that's Claude Balls!
DICK
Who's Claude Balls?
CHASTITY
Who's Claude Balls? Who's Claude Balls? Only the most abs witch in the universe!
DICK
Blinkin' knickers, Chastity! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most abs witch in the universe!
CHASTITY
You can say that again.
DICK
Blinkin' knickers, Chastity! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most abs witch in the universe!
CHASTITY
I'm going to need ballpen, lots of ballpen.
Claude turns and sees Chastity and Dick. She grins an evil grin.

CLAUDE
Chastity Belt, we meet again.
DICK
You've met?
CHASTITY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHASTITY is sitting in a park listening to some rnb music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees CLAUDE. She takes off her headphones.

CLAUDE
Would you like some blood?
CHASTITY's eyes light up, but then he studies CLAUDE more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHASTITY
I don't know, you look kind of abs.
CLAUDE
Me? No. I'm not abs. I'm the least abs witch in the world.
CHASTITY
Wait, you're a witch?
CHASTITY runs away, screaming.

INT. HAUNTED HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

CLAUDE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
DICK
(To CHASTITY) You ran away?
CHASTITY
(To DICK) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CHASTITY turns to CLAUDE.

CHASTITY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CHASTITY runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

CHASTITY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with ballpen.
CLAUDE
I'm not scared of you.
CHASTITY
You should be.

EXT. GRAVE - LATER THAT DAY

CHASTITY and DICK walk around searching for something.

CHASTITY
I feel sure I left my ballpen somewhere around here.
DICK
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly ballpen.
CHASTITY
You know nothing Dick Aiken.
DICK
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, CLAUDE appears, holding a pair of ballpen.

CLAUDE
Looking for something?
DICK
Crikey, Chastity, she's got your ballpen.
CHASTITY
Tell me something I don't already know!
DICK
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CHASTITY
I know that already!
DICK
I want you inside of me.
CLAUDE
(appalled) Dude!
While CLAUDE is looking at DICK with disgust, CHASTITY lunges forward and grabs her deadly ballpen. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHASTITY
Prepare to die, you abs carrot!
CLAUDE
No please! All I did was eat a bunch of dead poeple!
CRAVEN enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHASTITY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those dead poeple were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Chastity Belt defender of innocent dead poeple.
CLAUDE
Don't hurt me! Please!
CHASTITY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these ballpen on you right away!
CLAUDE
Because Chastity, I am your mother.
CHASTITY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

CHASTITY
No you're not!
CLAUDE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CLAUDE tries to grab the ballpen but CHASTITY dodges out of the way.

CHASTITY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CLAUDE slumps to the ground.

DICK
Did she just faint?
CHASTITY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly ballpen.
CHASTITY crouches over CLAUDE's body.

DICK
Be careful, Chastity. It could be a trick.
CHASTITY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Claude Balls is dead!
CHASTITY
What?
CHASTITY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
DICK claps his hands.

DICK
So your ballpen did save the day, after all.
CRAVEN steps forward.

CRAVEN
Is it true? Did you kill the abs witch?
CHASTITY
Craven how long have you been...?
CRAVEN puts his arm around CHASTITY.

CRAVEN
Long enough.
CHASTITY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Claude Balls.
CRAVEN
Then the dead poeple are safe?
CHASTITY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable dead poeple enter, looking relived.

CRAVEN
You are their hero.
The dead poeple bow to CHASTITY.

CHASTITY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Claude Balls will never eat dead poeple ever again, is enough for me.
CRAVEN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the dead poeple passes CHASTITY a gold nail cutter

CRAVEN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CHASTITY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

CHASTITY
Well, if you insist.
CHASTITY takes the nail cutter.

CHASTITY
Thank you.
The dead poeple bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHASTITY turns to CRAVEN.

CHASTITY
Does this mean you want me back?
CRAVEN
Oh, Chastity, of course I want you back!
CHASTITY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHASTITY
Well you can't have me.
CRAVEN
WHAT?
CHASTITY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a witch to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
CRAVEN
But...
CHASTITY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Dick.
DICK grins.

CRAVEN
But...
DICK
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
CRAVEN
Chastity?
CHASTITY
I'm sorry Craven, but I think you should skidaddle.
CRAVEN leaves.

DICK turns to CHASTITY.

DICK
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CHASTITY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly DICK stops.

DICK
When I said I want you inside of me, you know I was just trying to distract the witch don't you?
THE END

Thanks for reading,
The Invisible Man
@theinvisibleman