I've always had trouble making friends.
I wasn't overly affectionate as a child. As my mother recalls, I was very content playing on my own, while other children would be climbing in their mothers' laps or clinging to their legs. For a while, she says, she thought something was wrong with me. Then she realized I was just a quiet, serious child and she grew to love how easy it was to entertain me, and how free she could be in her motherhood.
I got along reasonably well with other children, but they would never be invited into my inner world. Growing up, I would spend my summers with my grandparents, while my school mates would be spending time with each other or at summer camps. I had me, myself, my family and that's it.
Was I lonely? No. Was I alone? Yes.
Then, in my teenage years, the only friend I made was crippling social anxiety.
I made it through my teenage years, somehow. I'd rather not talk about it.
Moved away, started university. Friendships slowly started to trickle back into my life. Making friends with classmates seemed easy, because we were a small group and some struggles could be overcome only with team work. Making friends with roomates seemed easy, because we were forced to live together in small space. There was a dorm neighbour I used to go smoking with, but I'm not even sure if he even knew my name. There were people I had practice together, but I would never see them again after those months.
They were small, fleeting friendships. They didn't last, but they still were real in those moments. It was fun, sure, but I still felt anxious. Was I wasting their time? Was I contributing anything to their experiences?
I still have trouble making friends. I never lied when I said "I don't have friends", and I didn't feel sad about it, but things are changing. I still have my family and I have my loved ones, but I consider them in a different category. My childhood and teenage friendships are all gone. I am making friends, for the first time, as an adult.
I can play Mortal Kombat and drink beers with my boyfriend's colleagues and not put up an act of being someone else, someone cooler/calmer/more adult. I can walk home from work with a coworker and not run out of conversation,and not lie awake at night over something I said a month ago.I can say ''hi'' to the young surgeon at work without freezing up from anxiety (though it did take a while for it to happen).
And truth to be told, I don't give a shit what they think. If people choose to spend time with me and interact with me, there must be a reason. And it's okay if I don't know what it is.
Steemit is very community oriented and I have a hard time adapting to this. I still don't make friends often and I have trouble letting people close to me. I don't go out of my way to have conversations, to interact, to offer my opinion. I keep my thoughts to myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm very comfortable in myself.
But is this the right platform for me?
I can live with Steemit, but can Steemit live with me?
Are you fine with an introvert like me, who might never contribute enough to the community?
-Hey Steemit, can I sit here in my introvert corner and draw my cats and talk to you guys, like, once a month?
-Can I contribute more to the platform with content and less to the community with interactions?
