...dear diary, it's a minute since I allowed myself to come here. I am penning this from a dim bedroom enduring the third blackout this week whilst cursing inwardly softly even as I hold unimaginable gratitude for life.
...usually, when this happens, I tend to fold into this depressive state and then reanimate when the lights come on but today is one of those days when I hotspot my mobile data and expensively camp here.
Sighs as data is not cheap!
...away from that version of my third-world problems, I hear the taxman will be having zero mercy on my nonexistent wallet from this day henceforth. Food prices have been hiked again in two months and fuel prices are skyrocketing.
...why do they make motherhood so goddamn scary? I think nothing else keeps me up at night. Parental responsibilities are draining as they are rewarding.
...the absurdity of it all is how I keep losing the courage to lose hope or give up. It is not that it doesn't hit me in waves... it does but something about how far I have come immediately shrouds the idea of undermining myself and if there was something that I am grateful for, it's exactly that.
...there was a time when I could get so lost in my periodical lacks that I couldn't motivate myself to do something about it or something at all. I don't recall when I evolved into detaching what I haven't achieved, acquired or a need from my worth but boy is it mind-freeing.
...whispers from yesterday's expectations are dying faster now than the excitement to make better memories for tomorrow today if it does come and I can't be more grateful. I am drowning in my revelations and I can't help but appreciate every mistake I ever made.
...who would I even be without every mishap? I have lived so blindly until I couldn't. Is there a more profound life lesson? Which makes me feel like change can be reborn every time we let it. And there are no specific ways of embodying it other than just to...
...the trick is to remain disciplined which requires consistency and honestly, I have struggled with that. I tend to get lost in what I tell myself when I am not feeling very good about myself more than in what I do when I have made myself proud.
...and though creating for me has felt much easier when I am swimming in melancholic ponds, it is hard to do that when I can't curb the constant thirst for perfection or the shame that comes with painting the difficult episodes of my unforgiving life.
all in all, I am glad today I chose to share this human side of myself.
Henry David Thoreau once said, live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruits and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.
wambuku w.
