Right now I'm enjoying my 25th anniversary vacation. I have my wife and two sons with me. We are visiting family. We are visiting beautiful beaches. We are having excellent food. We are making beautiful memories. We have a beautiful hotel room and we are also spending too much money.
Overall though things are going very well right now.
Here is a view taken just one hour ago of the full moon over the beach. Taken by me on the 19th floor of the hotel.
However, it hasn't always been that way.
Right now seems pretty much idyllic. There are no problems, there are no worries, the bills are paid and there is money in the wallet.
However, it certainly hasn't always been that way. There have been times that have been just as dark as the picture above. But when I focused on the dark, the unknown, and the waves crashing down nearby, well, I forgot to look up at the little light there was.
My son's are currently well adjusted, respectful and intelligent young men. Just 4 years ago I was worried that my oldest son was going to die from hanging with the wrong crowd and being encouraged to use illegal substances. Just 2 years ago my younger son was being held in hospital under observation for possible psychiatric issues. Just one year ago my older son was in the hospital after a motorcycle accident.
There is nothing like having been through family problems and being worried sick about my sons to help me appreciate the men they have become and the time we have to spend together.
The room I'm living in while on vacation is a large, beautiful suite. It is luxurious enough that it feels like home, only better! I have a view from the 19th floor that lets me see everything going on around me. I'm right in the heart of all the action of Fort Lauderdale during spring break. I don't think I could ask for a nicer place to be.
It hasn't always been like that though. There were times that I had no place to call home. The first home we had there was a water leak from the upstairs neighbors sewer line that dripped right into my bedroom. Even when I bought our first house my wife called it a "coldie, mouldy, oldie" so I know what it is like to have substandard accomodation.
I hope I never lose my gratitude when I get to experience a nice place!
Right now my wife and I are celebrating a 25th anniversary and it seems like we are destined for another 25 after this.
Again, this hasn't always been the case. There have been fights. There have been tears. There have been nights I sleep on the floor or even the back of the car. Some nights it didn't look like I'd be married the next morning
In summary...
I've gone through some really awful times. I've been through times where I was certain I'd lose my job. Times when I thought I would lose my wife or children. Time when I was in tears because I thought I had screwed up so badly that I was going to lose everything I had. Go back further and there were times I was jilted by someone I wanted to marry. Times when I was teased and berated and generally times that I didn't think I'd survive.
During the hard times I thought I was doomed. I couldn't see any hope. I couldn't see any future. I felt worthless and just asked God..."Why did you make such a mistake, such a failure?".
Sometimes it was for a day...
Sometimes for a week....
One time it lasted for a couple months...
My mind went to some very dark places though those dark times. Depression and Worthlessness seemed to be my only friend. I tried to put on the bravest face I could but I knew I was floundering in life and I didn't see any possible way out.
Death seemed preferable to living
But....
I was lucky to have a favorite fight song ("Tourist Trap" by Crumbacher) and every now and then a new song or "magical moment" came by.
There is an old poster I remember which shows a cat holding onto the end of a knotted rope. The saying on the rope is :
I didn't realize it at the time but those glimpses of happiness I had when I heard a favorite song for the first time were the knot I needed to hold on to.
Maybe I couldn't see any good future for me at the moment.
...BUT*
I held onto the hope that there would be another song to hear or another moment to see that would bring a brief reprieve from the depression I was feeling at the moment. I kept holding on to the idea that those moments were worth holding on to.
Now that I'm older I can look back at all the terrible times I had in the past and think how much more I appreciate what I have because of it. I also know that there will be awful times yet to come. There will be miserable times that knock me down and kick me while I'm down. At those times I can either choose to give up...or hold onto the small glimmer of hope that something good might still come in the future.
Sure I'll still crawl up in my bed and pull the blankets over me. I'll weep in silence and try to deal with the anguish inside. I'll wallow in the despair and try to sleep it away...usually without success.
But now I know that I must soldier on.
If I give up and let the grief get to me then I am truly lost. If I soldier on there is always the chance I'll find a good time or two again. No guarantees...but I do believe that God has a purpose for me and I'm pretty sure it is not to wallow in miserable feelings.
One other thing I've learned from all the terrible times I've had in the past is the true value of being happy!
My happiness is a gift that can easily be stolen from me by careless people, unhappy people, bad drivers, or just situations in life. In my mind I picture it as the Devil being a thief trying to steal my happiness. I hate valuable things being stolen from me so I work hard to hold onto my happiness.
"I try very hard not to let the Devil steal my happiness".
It is still a work in progress
....and I doubt I'll ever be perfected
But at least now I have a tool or two to battle feelings of depression and worthlessness. Maybe its a rusty sword but better than no weapon at all.
Thanks for reading...
.... and as always I always enjoy getting feedback.
