Over the last couple days, I have noticed a couple stories in various news services that have irked (irritated) me a little. The problem with them is that what actually happened is something I agree with, but at the same time, "culture" has made it disagreeable, on one side of the equation.
The first story was about a woman who was annoyed because at the gym, she saw a really good looking guy that she wanted to talk to, but even though she kept trying to get into his eyeline in the hope to lock eyes, he didn't look at her. Her complaint was that because she is a busy person, the only place she has a chance to meet someone, is at the gym, but the men don't pay attention.
Hmmmm
Another one of these stories was similar, where a woman on a plane saw a really cute guy sitting in front of her and passed him a note on a napkin, with her number on it.
Hmmmm
Reverse these roles and put a male in the lead.
As said, I believe that people should be approaching other in real life, instead of using apps like Tinder, because real life is far more accurate. What I mean by accurate is, it is far easier to make judgement calls in the moment, interacting with each other, having a chat, asking some questions, gauging reactions and building rapport. It is also easier to (like in the gym) find people who are more likely to be interested in similar things, like working out. Yet, we have created a culture where if a man did show interest, he'd have his face plastered on TikTok as some creeper.
And now women are wondering why men aren't looking at them?
There are so many issues with all of this, where for instance, when we were younger, my friends (95% female) used to complain about "all the men who would hit on them" at a bar. Then, a few years later, they were complaining about "all the gross men", then a few years later, complain that "no one hit on me" at the bar...
People like attention.
But, the issue is that people only want attention from people who they find attractive. What this means is that if a man does happen to approach a woman in a bar, unless she finds him attractive, it is an unsolicited and unwanted approach, and he is deemed creepy. But, what is creepy is that a person who puts themselves out there, is seen as disgusting because they are not cute enough, too tall, too short, too fat, too ugly, too .... and someone thinks it is okay to state this as a reason not to talk.
Reverse the roles and imagine a man saying,
"Sorry, you are too fat for me".
This isn't about pointing out the hypocrisy of the culture, it is about being a little more honest that we like attention and, we are also very judgmental of those who give us attention. We are judgmental of everything, but if we want to get the kind of attention that leads to relationships that we value, we are going to have to build a better sorting mechanism than we are currently using, and change our behavior to accept that at times, and maybe even often, the attention we get isn't going to come from people we might be interested in.
People who we aren't interested in, though they are interested in us, doesn't make them a creeper, it makes them someone who is giving it a go. They don't know our interests, they are just going with what they know at that point, their interests. It is in the interaction together where they can get the other side of the coin and see if there is reciprocity.
It is not to say that there aren't creepers out there of course, which is actually more reason to interact more, because then we start to learn what kinds of behaviors mean what. You know,
there are "cute guys" who are terrible humans too.
But, there are countless videos being released of women who are filming men in the gym checking them out. For those of you who go to the gym, try not looking at a person who spends ten minutes staring at their butt in the mirror, trying to get the perfect angle for a "selfie" to put on Instagram.
They gym isn't a place to meet people.
It is not a photo studio either.
And, they don't seem to out all the women who are also looking at them.
And I would say, just like the woman mentioned in the story I read, that for a lot of people, the gym is the only place outside of work they even have the chance. Remember that on average, men work longer hours than women.
According to U.S. census data, men spend an average of 41.0 hours per week at their jobs, while women work an average of 36.3 hours per week.
Assuming single, they have less opportunity to meet someone.
And, there are good people who a woman might be interested in, that don't fit their normal preference. Heard of opposites attract? So then, how does that work out through Tinder-like apps when you tell the algorithm what you are looking for? If you set the preferences for what you like, it will exclude your opposites. Also, it assumes that you actually know what your preferences are.
My wife would have never described me, if she was to go on her preferences.
The randomness of real-world human interaction for dating is a fantastic sorting mechanism for finding quality partners, because the filtering start on the fly in the moment and, it also slows down the process, providing a lot more key data points to inform and opportunity to talk, or walk.
However, because of all of this "public outing" of people who are most likely just looking for some human connection and intimacy in their lives too, the dynamics are imbalanced. The men who a woman might want to approach, are scared to approach, because they don't want to be seen as creepers. But, because creepers are creepers, they are often the only ones who will approach, so the ratio of creeper approach to normal man approach, is skewed.
It is good for women to have experience with creepers so that they know what to look out for, and they likely get a lot of experience because there is likely an increasing selection bias, so their random interaction a have a higher chance of including creeper. But, it is also good to note that there are men who are not creepy and if a woman is looking to build a relationship, she needs to have a filter developed to exclude the creepers, and include the valid candidates.
Social media and the internet in general has changed culture a lot over the last few decades, and it has become a place of celebrating victimhood. There are incentives to being considered a victim, so the bar for victimization keeps coming down, so that more people can be included and see themselves as victims. This happens to both females and males, where women will see themselves as victims because they get an unwanted look, and men see themselves as victims for getting their face splashed across social media for looking.
It is an economy of victimization - all for clicks.
We live in a weird world, don't we?
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
