Sometimes, you just look back on life and some of the things I have done, then wonder, was it real? Or I will be driving along just thinking about my life at the moment, and wonder the same.
Do you ever get that?
I had this feeling today.
Perhaps it is because this week will mark the end of my 20th year in Finland. Or perhaps over the last couple weeks there has been a few conversations around what has happened in those years and, how much things have changed. Whatever it is, that "unreal" feeling crept into my thoughts and still resides there hours later. It is somewhat like an out of body experience - a disconnection from reality, yet still aware, still present.
It is a little unsettling.
At the same time, it is taking me back like a rearview mirror, seeing what I have passed along the roadside to get today. So many different experiences, so many different people - hundreds, thousands of people who have somehow, sometime, somewhere - impacted on my journey. It is quite incredible really, as it has stitched together a rich tapestry of a whole lot of random, creating a life, my life. But, my life has also in some way impacted on all of them too, making me part of their journey.
For better or worse.
I'd like to say only for better, but I know that is unlikely to be true, as inevitably, we all hurt people and hold them back in some way, intentionally or unknowingly. And I have had my fair share of drama throughout this life of mine, whether I wanted it or not. But, even the pain and suffering isn't all bad, as whilst unwanted in the moment, in reflection, it could be the greatest parts of our lives, as they tend to catalyze changes within us, and our behaviors.
If we were to each write our autobiography, I would predict that the early chapters would be filled with the hurdles we have faced, the tough times, the terrible people, the moments tears fell and hearts were broken. The hardest times.
I have had plenty of those?
But haven't we all? Maybe we haven't all experienced the same things or at the same levels, but we all suffer. I believe that suffering is part of being human, even if only to remind us to improve, to find a better way than we are currently doing. There is always a better way.
It is natural.
If there was a perfect, there would be no evolution. Everything would be static, unmoving, dead. It is because of the motion that everything has to change, because while something might be perfectly suited to the current environment, it is increasingly unsuitable as change happens.
And change happens.
And maybe that is why I am getting this feeling. Perhaps there is some change going on that my body senses, but my head hasn't quite wrapped itself around and identified yet. Maybe there is a "disturbance in the force" that has drawn the attention of my unconscious, separating it from the experiences of my conscious awareness, creating a mismatch between the senses.
Perhaps this a precursor, a "life flash before the eyes" except it the flash is not as bright as described, nor as fast. It is a long, drawn-out process, slowly disconnecting me from this life.
Maybe it is the simulation lagging.
Whatever it is, I will sleep on it and see if the morning will bring a different feeling or, bubble to the surface a new memory I never thought I had lost. Memory is funny like that, as is knowledge - we do not know what we do not know - we do not remember what we have already forgotten. But somewhere inside, it resides, waiting patiently to be brought to life again, animated into the minds eye.
Even if only in the rearview mirror while passing a thought.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
