I am an average parent. But, after talking to a friend yesterday about setting expectations in regard to something entirely different, I was wondering what could be some at least basics for a list of what constitutes a good parent. This is obviously something that interests me, even though it gets me into trouble to even discuss it, because people feel judged.
For example, the other day at work I was talking about how too much screen time is bad for kids as fundamentals aren't getting learned and it is crushing creativity. The pushback was strong, because many people use screens as their babysitter and justify it as "that is the world today". Similarly, when I raise the idea that allowing children to become obese is child abuse, there is pushback and a myriad excuses as to why this is not the case.
Of course, no one likes to be judged negatively and people feel judged, even if the conversation is at a general level and is not directed art them, because through the conversation, they reflect on their own habits, and the condition of their children. It isn't pleasant to realize that perhaps despite our best attempts and the way we see ourselves, we might not be the good parents we think we are after all.
And of course, there is a lot of room for nuance in here, where for example a child could have various conditions that affect outcomes and impact on ability to do things. But, at a general level, these outliers are examples, but don't come into play for most people, do they? So, citing them as a reason for bad outcomes when that is not a factor for the individual, is irrelevant, and just an excuse.
Looks like I am going to get into trouble, doesn't it?
For instance, the weight/ fat issue in the US.
For children and adolescents aged 2-19 years in 2017-2020:
The prevalence of obesity was 19.7% and affected about 14.7 million children and adolescents.
Obesity prevalence was 12.7% among 2- to 5-year-olds, 20.7% among 6- to 11-year-olds, and 22.2% among 12- to 19-year-olds. Childhood obesity is also more common among certain populations.
Obesity prevalence was 26.2% among Hispanic children, 24.8% among non-Hispanic Black children, 16.6% among non-Hispanic White children, and 9.0% among non-Hispanic Asian children.
Obesity-related conditions include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, breathing problems such as asthma and sleep apnea, and joint problems. source
Does this sound like good parenting?
Yeah, there are a myriad reasons for this, but also consider what people spend their time on. While the average child is getting fatter in ways that will impact their lifelong health and likely social outcomes, people and governments are spending their time worrying about subjects like what constitutes a male and a female, and what bathrooms are to be used. This is not to minimize the discourse in that area, but it seems that the amount of resources are misaligned to the impact it makes on the wellbeing of society.
In November 2017, I wrote an article on this blockchain called "The Unnatural Child" that voiced my concerns about a future of kids spending time on technology. Over the years, I have had people tell me I wouldn't be able to sustain it, that I will give in.
Who knows where it will all lead but for me, I will sit there on the floor with my daughter and build Duplos, read books, pick up 120 little wooden blocks 10 times a day and chase her around the house as she gets up to mischief. I hope it is a very, very long time if ever, before I know I will always find her sitting in front of a screen. I want her to explore the world, not sit still. Sitting still is harmful for an adult and unnatural for a child. Let's see what happens.
She turns 7 this year. Still managing. She does have some screen time to watch some kids programs, but that was only introduced six months ago and it is a couple hours a week.
Interestingly in that post though, there are some arguments from not-a-bird, AKA 
Our experience and instinct inform our intuition, but that doesn't mean what we think is right, is actually right. So, while we might want something, it doesn't mean that we know what we need to do to get there - like wanting what is best for our children.
Yesterday, I used an illustration of this where for example, a I asked (a few guys sitting around chatting in a bar) what a single guy wants from a woman, assuming that is some form of companionship. However, wanting it, doesn't mean that a man intuitively knows how to get what he wants and often, it is a counter-intuitive process.
Is parenting the same?
I don't know about that, but if we want our children to be happy, we have to consider their happiness now and into the future. If what we are doing gives them momentary happiness but increasing suffering as they get older, we have probably failed them, right? And while we can't know for certain what the future holds, we do have a lot of evidence to predict what certain conditions will likely lead toward. For example, if a child grew to have a:
- lack of emotional control
- inability to mentally process for example simple math
- lack of practical physical skills
- low ability to pick up on interpersonal signals
- very high fat level
- poor dietary habit
- low ability to concentrate
- instant gratification mindset
The list can go on of course, but what happens when several of these are grouped together in a single individual? What would you predict their outcomes to be? It isn't guaranteed that it would be bad, but it isn't necessarily setting a person up for a high chance of success, is it?
And, while I don't know what being a good or bad parent might be, I believe that if we aren't thinking about these things and what leads to them or away from them, as well as what skills and conditions our children need to have a higher opportunity of wellbeing in their lives, we probably aren't doing enough. We might want what is best for our children, but we don't know whether if what we are doing is even remotely appropriate. And if we aren't actively investigating and discussing what might work, we would likely act on intuition, which doesn't necessarily meet requirements.
But, discussing it openly is fraught with danger, especially when what is being suggested goes against the grain of what the average parent is doing. There is safety in being average, not so much for being an outlier, yet, most people want outlier results - at least on the positive side of the curve.
So, parents stay silent, lest they get attacked for what they discuss as it makes other parents feel bad about themselves. Or get attacked for what they do, because it is outside of what the average does. But, the danger is, that these outcomes take a long time to evolve and be seen, and by that time, there is no going back.
For example, it is incredibly difficult for a person raised by parents to be obese, to then combat their weight as an adult. However, they will definitely be impacted physically and socially by their condition, whether it is their fault or not. If missing core social skills, it can be very difficult to build healthy relationships as an adult, but does sitting in a room for years on end staring at a screen, encourage interpersonal skill development?
Essentially as a parent who wants the best for our kids, what we are doing is making decisions for them in the hope that we are right. But, not making the decision to explore what this means is also a decision, right? If a person is not even willing to discuss it, I assume they aren't actively exploring it.
So, while there is no set list of what leads to a healthy child for their life, I think there are some obvious basics, which includes healthy eating, adequate exercise, quality learning activities and enough social interaction to build interpersonal skills. On top of this of course, there is the emotional development that gets supported through all of these activities.
But, who knows for sure...
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]