The other day I noticed while was writing a "typo" where I had written "soldier" instead of shoulder. This happens quite often these days, where my brain knows what it wants to say, but what comes out (spoken or written) is close, but not the right thing at all. It is frustrating at times, but I guess it is better than just deadspace, though it does get awkward at times.
Like the other day while talking to the CRO and the VP of Sales about a new hire I am onboarding, where I meant to say she is "very switched on in our sessions", but instead what came out was, she is very turned on in our sessions.
Synonymous in some circumstances, inappropriate in others.
Heard by the wrong person or taken the wrong way, and I would have to explain myself to the HR department. This is why I appreciate when people have enough mental power to consider best intentions, in a world that too often assumes the worst.
Intentional is important to consider in my opinion, but when we have our feelings hurt, we don't necessarily think first and then react, we react emotionally.
Honey, you look fat in that!
"You asshole! How can you say..."
I said you look fab.
And this is the problem with "reacting on emotion", as it doesn't consider whether our emotion is valid before we act, setting wheels into motion that might not have a reverse gear. Some things just can't be taken back and to repair, comes at a very high price, if possible at all.
I worry about this more now, as not only am I likely to say the wrong thing unintentionally, even with best intention, I am also unable to perform a good recovery, often fumbling even more and digging a deeper grave. When someone is continually failing, best intention gets lost and it seems, intentional.
When I told my wife about what I had said, after she had laughed for a bit, she asked whether I explained why I made the mistake, which I didn't, and whether I should. Again, this is an intentional decision I make, because first of all, I don't want to be treated as if I am incompetent and can't be trusted to say the right thing, even if it is understandable why I might say the wrong thing at times.
I spent five hours delivering a training to one of our most important strategic partners today and while it was far from perfect in my opinion, it was still okay enough for them overall. However, at times I had to "speak on the fly" across topics I am not comfortable with that contain specific language and, I could feel myself stumbling, using a massive amount of energy to keep from tumbling down the metaphorical stairs, into a bloody heap. After the training was delivered, I spent another 30 mins with the Partner team talking about it and once that was over, I was wrecked.
Brain fried.
And, it isn't that the topics are challenging at all, it is just that they are so process based and contain such precise vocabulary, that I just can't bring the right words up at the right time, in the right way. It is stuttering and my train of thought derails into the forest.
But, if I am going to advance in my responsibilities and potential earnings, I have to be able to prove that I am capable, so with my supervisor attending the sessions also - I tried with all my mental might to...
Hold my shit together.
As much as I dislike the thought and reality of failing, I have started to see this as more of a game now, where I try to see how long I can go before I say something completely inappropriate, or get so lost there is no chance of finding the trail again. It is not a fun game, but gamifying it makes it more bearable. But, what I think is the most important thing through all of this is, that regardless of what I do or say, I am "me", I take responsibility for it and, I am authentic.
Everyone does and says stupid things at times and while most might not have diagnosed brain damage to explain it away, we all are brain damaged at times in the moment, where we act or react with best intention, but without tact, based on the wrong information, or using an invalid emotional state as the catalyst. It gets us into trouble and often gets used against us with the worst possible frame.
But, this is life - we have to own our behavior, whether we meant to do it or not, but we also have to realize that, nobody is ever going to be perfect, everyone is going to get it wrong, some of the time. I know that I am failing so much in ways that I never used to, but this is the lot in life I currently carry and the best I can do, is all I can do.
Take it or leave it.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]