And while people might disagree with the vocabulary used, including people with a similar issue, since it is self-referential, I can describe myself however I choose.
Yet, even dictionaries don't give a full definition of it as they see it as an offensive term.
You have to follow a link to intellectual disability.
But this gets a definition.
But that definition doesn't describe me and, I think it is wrong.
I am retarded, no matter what my IQ is.
And it affects my brain.
My thinking suffers from delays and impediments that prevent or hinder advancement and accomplishment.
I am mentally retarded.
We had a group of my colleagues over yesterday for a barbecue and some are good friends of mine and some are almost strangers, like the spouses. Some know I am mentally retarded, some do not. However, while we were talking someone brought something up in conversation and another asked how I have been affected by the stroke. This is an incredibly difficult conversation to have, because no matter how I explain it, is very hard for people to truly grasp what I mean, so I am always looking for analogies to illustrate, to try and give a taste of what it is like.
For instance, one of the ways that is semi-successful if they do the listener actually tries, is a bit of a self reflection task. It is easy and you can try it now.
In your head, calculate 147/3.6
Have you got the answer?
Now, the answer isn't important, but if you think about how it felt to calculate that in your head, where you can feel yourself actively using your brain and perhaps having to force it to continue, that is what my brain feels like whenever I think. Everything is active - there are no passive thoughts.
Well, very few. Sometimes I dream, but it is rare.
But even this example is limited, because the majority of people can't actually imagine what it would be like to manually create all of their thoughts, piecing together the information they have available now, their memories, bits and pieces of imagery and creating a complex formula to develop a simple mental picture. And then, having to do that constantly.
People do think they know when I try to explain, even though I know they are missing the point. Like, one of the other ways I am affected is that I say things before I am consciously aware of them, and when I say this, people think it means that I am speaking "what I really mean", like it is unfiltered, but this is not the case.
For example, I used to play a game with my language students where I would give them the start or end of a word like "dis" and give them a minute to write down as many words as they can. This is a vocabulary activation game I created, and it is fun to play (I play with Smallsteps too), but my students soon realized something. When the clock is ticking away and they are competing with their colleagues, the brain scrambles and while they might only get five words on the list that start with dis, they might run through dozens of words, some don't even have a "D" in them, that get disqualified. However, they don't write any of those words on the list.
My brain works similarly, where it has the "vocabulary" there, but it doesn't have full control of the filter, meaning that some percentage of the time, words that shouldn't make the list, get written down, before my brain has a chance to say, "hey, that doesn't fit the rule". It is not my true thoughts, it is just a random result being created out of the normal thought process. This means there are a lot of words that have similar meanings or sound similar, that get interjected into my speech.
Sometimes I catch them just as they are coming out, sometimes they are out fully before I can backtrack and correct them, but it slows and disjoints my speech and hinders my communication heavily. Even as I type, my fingers are writing parts of words that aren't correct, even though I know the difference. For example, I will sometimes write "there" instead of "their", but it isn't a grammatical error of not knowing the difference, but for the reader, they don't know that.
This impedes not only the communication, but also impacts on the impression I make on people, whether it be spoken or in writing, which affects my personal relationships, network development and my career opportunities.
This three by one centimeter lump of dead brain matter in my cerebellum, has fundamentally changed my mental behaviors, has reduced my physical abilities and shifted the entire experience of my life.
The cerebellum is the lower-back part of the brain. It only accounts for around 10% of total brain weight but contains as many as 80% of all neurons in the brain.
Cerebellum function
The cerebellum has several functions relating to movement and coordination, including:
- Maintaining balance: The cerebellum has special sensors that detect shifts in balance and movement. It sends signals for the body to adjust and move.
Coordinating movement: Most body movements require the coordination of multiple muscle groups. The cerebellum times muscle actions so that the body can move smoothly.- Vision: The cerebellum coordinates eye movements.
- Motor learning: The cerebellum helps the body to learn movements that require practice and fine-tuning. For example, the cerebellum plays a role in learning to ride a bicycle or play a musical instrument.
- Other functions: Researchers believe the cerebellum has some role in thinking, including processing language and mood. However, findings on these functions are yet to receive full exploration.*
I can attest to all of those, and while researchers might "believe" it has some role in *thinking, language and mood, I can guarantee it does. But perhaps, it is only my brain that works this way.
What are the chances of that?
Of course, there are differences between people, but there is far more overlap in the ways that we function than variation. However, the surface level might seem like there is a broader change, because our belief systems and habits is what we see. We don't get to look under the hood of each other and see that the engine is largely similar and it is mostly where we end up on the drive that changes.
In some way, we are all retarded, all limited in numerous ways, even if we haven't had a stroke. But, defining what that means is difficult, because we use averages and arbitrary measures. For instance, the IQ range to signify mental disability might be a useful heuristic, but it doesn't help me. I might have lost 20% of my intelligence (this is an unknown, but it doesn't go up), but I still tested average or above, so they wouldn't give me more support. However, this average doesn't take into account the requirements of the job that I do, where average is not good enough.
Honestly though, exploring this is one of the only things that keeps me semi-sane and from falling into a deep depression, like so many who have experienced a stroke. The instances of suicide for stroke patients increases significantly (around double) and for those who have strokes younger (strokes in younger people is rarer, but has much larger impacts on life), it is estimated up to 10x as likely.
I get it. When your entire world experience becomes unfamiliar, it feels like you are no longer living your life. But, how many people can really understand having a kind of out of body experience constantly? Who can understand it when the words that are coming out of the mouth are not their own? Definitely not the audience, because they are going to judge on what they know and their own experiences, which is nearly always, unfamiliar with the experience that I am trying to describe.
There is a disconnection in the communication, because like it or not, even if all the words might be understood, the vocabulary of experience is lacking. The analogies help close the gap, but there is still a gap, no matter how hard someone tries to understand. Yet, it is like the example of the math problem I posed above.
How many honestly worked through to an answer?
Thinking takes work that we don't want to do.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
