In March 2020, I bought a few hundred euros of Bitcoin for my birthday - it is worth a few hundred more than that today. What I wanted to do however, was buy two full BTC with a percentage of the renovation money we had got from the bank, because it was dipping hard with the news of Covid and I knew it was going to move up again rapidly. My wife said no.
We had an interesting conversation about status trust this evening and I brought this up.
But first I asked,
If an electrician comes to do some wiring work, do you question the way they do it?
No.
Why?
Because I don't know anything about electrical work, so I have to trust that what they say is correct.
Cool.
I asked, how she would feel if I had bought the two Bitcoin without telling and when it did go up, we would have had twice the total amount we had borrowed for the renovation - would she be happy, or upset?
Both, I would be happy to have the money, upset that you broke my trust.
Okay. Why did you say no?
Because I don't understand anything about it, there is risk, people say it is a scam...
So, I should have just bought it.
Why?
Because you don't trust me anyway.
What????
Well, I do know about these things, I do understand it, I do have experience with it. In this scenario, I am the electrician. But, you had resistance because you didn't understand and because you don't trust me, your default is to get your way pushed through, vetoing the option because for you it was too risky, regardless of what I thought. This wasn't a joint decision, you got your way and the only way I could have got mine, is to "break" your trust.
Note: I play dangerous conversation games for a currently married man.
But all of this was instigated by a conversation about perceived status and deferring decision-making to authority. When we don't know about something and we get the opinion of an expert, we build our own views based on what they say - and since we don't know whether it is correct or not, we will be more open to believe them. However, if we perceive ourselves as higher status than another, even if they are an expert, we are far less likely to value their opinion.
This led into a discussion about arrogance and I asked if I am arrogant in her eyes.
You can be.
(Lies!)
Note: sometimes perhaps.
But what is arrogance?
When someone thinks they are right most of the time.
Yes. But this needs further qualification in my opinion, because if they have a track-record of actually being right they are using themselves as the "expert opinion" in the same way others who don't know anything would defer their views to them, based on that same track-record.
Note: In some areas, I do likely come across as arrogant, but it is in areas that I have experience and understanding, as well as skin in the game. But, I am also quite happy to listen to opinions to consider too and, acknowledge openly when I don't know enough and would like more clarity.
It isn't arrogance to trust oneself if experienced in a topic, it is wisdom. It is only arrogance when a person thinks they are right about a topic that they have little to no experience with, invalidating their opinion totally. A lot of the internet discussions are like this, because people use information that supports their side of the story, but they don't actually have any direct experience with the topic at all. The most toxic form of "truthseeker" is like this, where they know the "truth" because they found it on the internet.
What if the "powers that be" planted that information for you to find?
Blah.. blah... I'm too clever to be tricked by the...
Anyway...
All of this comes down to various kinds of power dynamics in relationships and it is interesting to note that in my own relationship, I have low status as my wife always gets her way, even when it is in things that are outside her wheelhouse and if under different circumstances, she would trust me.
This isn't me picking on my wife either by the way, nor complaining about her not trusting me - this is common in close relationships. For example, it doesn't matter if people pay me for these kinds of conversations IRL to help them improve their outcomes, at home - I am not perceived as a professional.
I don't always get my way! I compromise!
So, how come I wasn't able to buy one Bitcoin instead of two?
....
Now, I have talked about these things before and I am comfortable enough with myself that I can say that a lot of people trust me in some areas, but don't trust me in others. For example, at the same time in March 2020 when I bought that tiny amount of Bitcoin for my own birthday, a good friend of mine had sold an apartment, had a decent chunk of cash and asked what he should do. I said what I would do if I had that kind of money (which I did and it got vetoed) and I was unsure, use 10% (or more if comfortable) and buy the fucking dip!
He did not. Instead, he went to his "wealth advisor" at the bank and asked them. At the mention of Bitcoin, she broke out laughing at him and so, he invested it into something that lost 30% a week later and took a year to recover. His 10% would have paid off his current mortgage.
People are risk averse, but what makes something appear very risky is, not understanding what the opportunity is even about. As I said to my wife, if people had trusted, they would have been wealthy and all most of them would have put in, was a month or two of salary over a period of time they could afford. A very low barrier to entry, especially considering the upside potential.
But that is a lot of money for some people.
Not to these people. They buy TVs worth more than that.
But a TV is "something" they can touch. Bitcoin is volatile!
Yes. No risk with a TV or car - it is guaranteed to go down.
But, the real reason of this discussion was to pick on my wife build representative models of how our perception of someone's status (there are many sides to what creates this) as high or low in a topic or as a person in general, are going to affect our decisions. Having these models means we can use them as heuristics that can help us make better decisions in the future, rather than making the same blind mistakes over and over.
Knowing that when we see someone as higher status than ourselves we are more inclined to believe them means, being more cautious and making sure we do our own research. Knowing where our competencies lay, helps us trust ourselves into making wiser decisions and knowing when to bring in support. Understanding the strengths and boundaries of other's competencies helps us know when to trust enough to act on it and, when to take it with a grain of salt and research further, or get second opinions from a different source.
The fact is, no individual can be an expert on every topic and those that believe they are, are likely sorely mistaken - (and may also have narcissistic personality disorder). And because we are able to be influenced by people we consider to be influencers, we have to be cautious that we aren't deferring our opinion or activity to the opinion of an expert, but someone who is now outside of their domain of expertise.
In my opinion, a relationship should have a healthy dose of trust, but not blind trust. This isn't just about money matters, it is about all kinds of things - if something is important to a partner you want to spend the rest of your life in a healthy relationship with, learn to listen to them about that topic and trust they know enough for you to at least consider taking their advice or doing more research - rather than saying no, just because you aren't interested or don't understand what they are talking about - and it makes you uncomfortable.
I don't know much, but I know I love you...
Cheesy. This is why you are low-status in this relationship, Taraz.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
