"I want to talk about everything with at least one person as I talk about things with myself." - Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot.
I have been back in touch with the literary world, and nowadays, my social media is so full of complex thoughts. Complex thoughts? Yes. There is a big difference between the intended and understood meaning. That is strange, but at the same time, a beautiful concept. There is no fixed limitations for anything, just a thought waiting to be said.
Now back to the quote. If you have read any of Dostoevsky's work, you will realise that he really loves to think the wildest. If you have not read, my suggestion is to go for: White Nights. It is such a beautiful, complicated, short, yet necessary read. Best for start.
Oh Nastenka!
Even if one is not Dostoevsky, one always carry strange and wild thoughts. These thoughts, for the most part, remain hidden. And, we do this by editing ourselves according the set standards.
Someone asks: What is going on?
You reply: Nothing much.
That is it. A whole world of thoughts reduced to two words. But why so?
Maybe because, we have become rather good at editing ourselves. We remove the unnecessary details, soften the uncomfortable opinions, hide the embarrassing questions, and sometimes, change the entire meaning of what we wanted to say just to make it easier for someone else to digest.
Now, I am not saying that every thought deserves an audience, of course. There is a difference between having privacy and being afraid of being understood. But when every conversation requires a little performance, even honesty starts feeling like a responsibility.
Same way Aglaya, from The Idiot, wants someone with whom she can talk about everything, just as she talks to herself. Not because she has nothing to hide from the world, but because she wants at least one person before whom she does not have to constantly rearrange i.e. edit her thoughts.
Indeed, a beautiful expectation.
Like all you have to do is to be you. You do not have to explain yourself, the other person standing there understands you. Even, if one does not understand; at least, they ain't going to judge you.
Judgement is a blissful curse.
Yes, it is sort of paradoxical thing. Neither we can accept it completely nor we can remove it. And that, my friend, is the tragedy of being human. We desperately want to be known, one way or another; but we spend so much time constructing versions of ourselves that are acceptable.
Once again, I do not think that we need someone who agrees with every thought we have. That would be so wrong, maybe illegal. We just need someone to be there within our foolishness. At least, once I am done speaking, the person does not make me feel like I made a big mistake.
And maybe, the greatest form of intimacy is finding someone before whom you never have to edit your thoughts, even when they make no sense.
...................
Peace 馃晩
...................