Back in the 1980's I worked in the kitchen of a restaurant that you'll be glad to hear doesn't exist anymore. I'd just left school and to earn a little money while I attended college I accepted a job washing dishes a few nights a week.
The head chef was a bloke called Steve and like many head chefs he was something of a tyrant. He had a pet name for most people. Mongy Mike for instance who later became Freddy Krueger. Andy's name was Plantpot. He tagged a waitress with the title of Sarah the Simeon. Charming he wasn't. Give a shit he didn't.
I'd only been working at the restaurant for a few weeks and on this particular evening Steve was out on patrol. He would sometimes take a minute to look out over the restaurant. Maybe he wanted recognition, maybe he wanted to know if he knew any of the customers. I don't know....but on this occasion he did indeed know one of the customers.
As I was elbow deep in hot water, I overheard Steve asking one of the waitresses about this particular customers order. Whoever this customer was.....Steve didn't like him.....and he had a plan.
A few minutes later Steve received word of this customers order....Steak Diane. It would turn out to be a very elaborately prepared Steak Diane.
Steve pulled a steak from the fridge and said to Mongy Mike, 'Dip this steak in the shitter and give it a good wipe around. Make sure you get it under the rim.....and get some pubes on it if you can.' Mongy Mike let out a mischeivous chuckle, took the steak and returned a minute or so later holding it out with two fingertips, 'It had a few pubes on it but I think they've fallen off,' he said.
Marco, the second chef, had been keeping his head down as usual but he was reeled into the action as Steve said 'Hey Marco, you Italians are meant to be good at football.....give this steak a good kicking around.' And with the soiled steak dropped at Marco's feet, Mongy Mike burst out laughing and a game of football ensued. I watched on open mouthed as Marco and Mike kicked the steak to each other. 'Make sure you get it in the corners' Steve yelled, 'get as much shit on it as you can' he added. The two of them had a mini world cup around the kitchen and eventually Steve deemed the steak ready for cooking. He picked up the filthy, wet steak and holding it out he said 'That's properly peppered that is' before tossing it into a pan.
I was in a world of confusion. I was horrified at the goings on but couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I wondered who the customer was and what he had done to piss Steve off so much that it could warrant this kind of retaliation.
The chefs gathered around the large table as Steve removed the steak from the pan. 'Dirty Diane' he said as he placed it on a serving platter. They examined it closely, pointing bits out to each other as they chuckled. From my viewpoint, the steak looked well cooked and well peppered, but it sure wasn't pepper on that steak. Steve grabbed a saucepan. 'Mmm...special sauce' he chuckled as he poured a pepper sauce over the steak. 'What have you done to it?' Mongy Mike piped up. 'Oh you don't wanna know' Steve replied as he handed me the pan to wash before shouting out 'TABLE AWAY.'
Steve was quite upbeat for the remainder of the evening. He asked for feedback from his special customer and he got it. Word came back that the customer loved it....even going so far as to say it was the best steak he'd ever had.
I asked Steve what this bloke had done to upset him and he said, 'You don't wanna know....but he's a twat....and he deserved it.' I never did find out. And I never found out what was in the 'Special Sauce' either.
Thanks for reading.
This is a comedyopenmic entry so I nominate 
