Dear Steemit,
I just had some real life character development.
I didn't notice it at all while it was happening, but now, looking back, I have grown a lot.
The first post on this page, besides the intro, was about a guy that i barely knew and how he hurt me. I didn't realize at the time I felt like a victim, but now it's clear to me that that was my mentality. I was hurt, a little angry, and filled with regret and self-doubt. And this wasn't the only time.
I also lost a few friends over the years, and I would dwell on it for the longest time, even if we had never met in person. One guy lived a few hours away, and for a while I could see us being together. But one day he decided to stop talking to me. I later found out it was because he liked me and it scared him since he didn't want to rush into anything. But at the time, thanks to the abrupt way he blocked my ass, I didn't know this. I didn't even think it was possible. I figured I had messed something up, or he saw the real (pathetic) me. At points, I even convinced myself none of it was real. I blamed myself, I didn't let it go like I should have, and because of this, I hurt.
Now it's a year later, and we're friends again. He apologized, I forgave him and myself, and when I talk to him I don't feel pressured. I'm okay with saying the wrong thing, I'm okay if he decides to leave my life again. There is nothing in me that wants to hold onto someone who can walk out of my life so easily.
There are lots of similar examples I won't bore you with, but this is the one that surprised me most. The other day he asked me if I wanted to get together since he'll be in my city, and I turned him down with minimal stress. (because of anxiety, not because I didn't want to see him) Saying no is something that is really hard for me. I try to avoid it when I can, and when I can't it will eat my up inside. I always feel like I owe people something, and that's another way I've grown. I try to still be empathetic, but sometimes I can't do what someone wants. And that's okay.
I also confronted two friends in the past few weeks when I was anxious. One of them ignored my texts, and then my snapchat, and he never does that. Usually he responds in the next day or two when he's busy. But I asked him to make sure everything was okay and told him how I felt, and he assured me he just forgot. He's a sweet and understanding guy. The other unfollowed me on social media and hadn't spoken to me in a while. He still had me added on one facebook account, but it still seemed odd. It bothered me a little but I ended up finding the courage to ask him if everything was okay, to which he said yes. We ended up had a nice conversation where we caught up on each others lives. All was well.
I hope no one sees this as needy behaviour. For me, it's actually a sign of confidence. Instead of overthinking something and being on edge until I knew what was going on, I asked. I've gone through phases where I would come up with excuses to talk to them to see if they would respond. I've also gone through phases where I'd go through everything that happened repeatedly in my mind to see what went wrong. This almost always resulted in blaming myself. Then they'd get back to me and act like nothing happened, and I'd feel relief but also like a huge idiot. I would tell myself not to do it next time, but I would anyway.
Sometimes it is worse than being ignored for a few days. I've had friends, in person and online, that have left me. Sometimes with warning, sometimes without. It's not exactly easy to get over, but i have a much easier time letting go down. I don't mind being upset for a few days but then I make sure I know that it wasn't my fault. I can't do anything about it, and there's no real reason to want them back in my life. The growth here is shown in my ability to not take responsibility for someone else's actions, and it is something I am really happy about. It even makes me more grateful for the people that do stick by my side because I know nothing is permanent. Not everyone I love will be in my life forever. I'd rather appreciate the time I have with them than miss it when it's gone.
The last part of what I've noticed is that it's okay to be the one who leaves someone else's life. It falls under not owing anything to anyone. I shouldn't keep someone around because I feel some form of duty to do so. If someone in my life is hurting me, holding me back, or not on the same path I am, then I don't need to try to change that. I've come to understand that it is okay to walk away. I would never ignore them, I do feel everyone deserves an explanation. It's also not something I would enjoy doing, but I also think it's for the best. For both of us. They deserve people in their lives that are genuinely interested and want to be there. Just like I do. I haven't had to cut anyone out yet, but if the time does come, I feel confident that I will make the right decision.
Looking at who I was five years ago and who I am now, I'm pretty happy about these changes. I hope that I will continue to grow, continue to improve, and that this process never comes to an end. I'm proud but motivated, and I believe a lot of it comes back to learning to love myself. That's the real fight here, me and my doubt, and it's a one I have to fight every day.
I didn't like being insecure so I decided to change it. I can't exactly explain how, but it felt a lot like just letting myself be. Like being loving is something I've always known how to do, and the only thing keeping me from it was myself. A few other things came into play, like working on getting in shape or finding things I love doing to give me a sense of worth.
Personal growth is a gradual, natural thing; one that we don't need to do, we just need to let happen.
