But something happened that made me think about this differently.
There was a guy in my compound whom I met there. We became friends, although we were not really close. We related well and there was no problem between us. One day, he came to ask if he could use my phone to make some calls. I didn't know that the phone he normally used had spoiled. I also didn't know that he was planning to leave the compound.
Since he asked nicely, I gave him my phone. I didn't think there was anything serious about it. I was only trying to help him. While he was using my phone, he was speaking in his dialect, so I didn't understand what he was saying. I later realised that he was making calls that had something to do with his plans to leave.
One of his aunties eventually noticed that he was using my phone. She came to me and started blaming me, I was surprised because I honestly didn't understand what I had done wrong. I explained to her that the guy was the one who came to ask for my phone. I told her that I didn't know he was planning to leave and that I only gave him the phone because he wanted to make a call.
But she kept raising her voice, the more I tried to explain myself, the more she shouted. At some point, I got tired of the whole thing and apologized.
But the truth is, I wasn't apologising because I believed I had done something wrong. I just wanted the argument to end, but the thing that surprised me was that even while I was apologising, she raised her voice even more.
After everything, I kept thinking about it. I mean why did I apologise?
The guy was old enough to make his own decisions. I didn't tell him to leave. I didn't know he was planning to leave. He came to me himself and asked to use my phone, I only helped him.
That experience made me realise something about myself. Sometimes, I don't like confrontation so much that I would rather apologise just to make a situation calm down, even when I know I am not the one at fault.
And I think this is something many people do, we keep quiet because we don't want problems. We don't say when something hurts us because we don't want the other person to think we are troublesome. Sometimes, we even say sorry when we know we didn't do anything wrong, just because we want the matter to end.
But as I get older, I am learning that this is not always the best way.
People don't always know that they have hurt you if you don't tell them. If somebody does something that hurts you and you keep quiet, the person may think everything is fine. They may even do the same thing again because they don't know that you were bothered by it.
Sometimes, you expect people to look at your face and know that something is wrong. But it doesn't always work that way.
You have to speak, you don't have to shout about it, insult anybody, or even have to fight.
You can simply say, “This thing you did was not okay with me.”
I am also learning that there is a difference between keeping peace and allowing people to walk over you.
Keeping peace is good. I don't believe every small disagreement needs a fight. Sometimes, it is better to let things go, but there are also times when you need to explain yourself and stand your ground.
If I could go back and advise my younger self, I would tell myself not to be too afraid of confrontation.
If you know you are not wrong, explain yourself calmly. If somebody hurts you, tell them. If someone blames you for something you didn't do, don't immediately accept the blame just because they are shouting, you can be respectful and still stand up for yourself.
I am still learning this, but I think it is one of the lessons that comes with getting older, you don't always have to keep quiet just to keep the peace. Sometimes, you need to speak for yourself.
Image is created by ideogram.