Episode 2
Scene 1
The day before Chris Ducker’s underground comedy show, Sheira Belle, Tot Wright, Roobix, and some of the crew from “Five Tomatoes” comedy club are scurrying around the warehouse, setting up for the big show.
Sheira: So just so we’re on the same page, the folding tables are gonna be covered with black tablecloths?
Tot: Yep.
Sheira: How much did that cost?
Tot: One ticket.
Sheira: How’d you pull that off?
Tot: The “Five Tomatoes” manager, Brendon, let me borrow them in exchange to see the show.
Sheira: Wow, he’s finally serving a purpose. How nice.
Tot: Isn’t it, though?
Roobix: And those tables are the VIP seating area, next to the stage?
Tot: Correct. Speaking of the stage (looks over at a guy that’s working on building a raised platform) Is your so-called handyman gonna get this thing done on time?
Roobix: He takes a while cuz he’s thorough, and yes, he’ll get it done.
Sheira: And how about the chairs?
Roobix: Chairs?
Sheira: Yeah, you said you’d take care of the chairs.
Roobix: Nope, I said seats.
Tot: He did say seats.
Sheira (grimacing): Thanks, Tot. So how about those seats?
Something catches Roobix’s eye at the front entrance of the warehouse.
Roobix (smug smile): Perfect timing. See for yourself. (points to u-haul truck starting to unload at the entrance) Here they come!
Sheira and Tot squint as skeptical looks grow on their faces.
Sheira: Are those crates?
Roobix: Those are crates!
Sheira: You expect people to sit on crates?!
Roobix: People do it all the time. It’s a perfectly good way to sit.
Sheira: Not if they paid 150 bucks a seat!
Roobix: Well, the price was right, and I own multiple warehouses, so…..
Tot: He makes a sound argument.
Sheira (groans): Chris Ducker agreed to pay the setup costs. He’s a multi-millionaire!
Roobix: That doesn’t mean we should gouge the guy.
Tot: I agree.
Sheira (facepalm): They’re frickin chairs!
Loud techno music blares from Sheira’s pocket.
Roobix: Is that your ringtone? Seriously?
Tot: It’s effective.
Sheira pulls out her Ghost Phone and answers.
Sheira (chipper): Hey Chris!
Chris: Hey Sheira. Just wanted to check up and see how things are going. I’ll be there tomorrow to get everything set up with my technical crew.
Sheira: Just peachy!
Chris: That’s a very unconvincing way to answer that question. Can you turn on video please?
Sheira reluctantly turns on video. Everyone smiles awkwardly and waves as Chris Ducker surveys his video feed.
Chris: Are those crates?
Sheira: Yeah…..
Chris: For what?
Sheira: Seats….look, I can explain….
Chris: Whose idea was that?
Roobix: Mine! They’re my crates, so we can use them for free.
Chris: That’s genius! Probably saved me a small fortune!
Roobix grins ear-to-ear.
Chris (frowns quickly): Is that supposed to be a stage?
Roobix: That will soon be a stage.
Chris: Will it be soon enough?
Roobix: It definitely should be.
Chris (deep sigh): A’ight, anyway, Sheira, we’ll talk about the money for the ticket sales when I get there. You got all the wallets squared, right?
Sheira: 100 percent yours and waiting for ya. (grins)
Chris: Cool. I’ll be there in 24 hours.
Click.
Sheira: Ok, Tot, now how about the food and booze?
Tot: Holiday should be here any minute with a van full of booze and plastic drink cups. He’ll bring ice and coolers tomorrow.
Roobix: You work with someone named Holiday?
Tot: That’s just what we call him, cuz he always says “It’s a holiday somewhere”, and uses it as an excuse to party.
Roobix: Nice….
Tot: As for food, Tia’s Tacos is doing the catering for us. At a steep discount, I might add. (proud smile)
Sheira: Why so smug?
Tot: I won a hot sauce eating contest with her crew.
Sheira (gags, holds stomach): Ugh, my gut just churned thinking about it. Well, that’s great, Tot. Hopefully you won’t have any permanent damage to your digestive tract.
Tot grimaces.
Scene 2
The next day, 8pm, 4 hours before showtime…..
Sheira is pacing around on stage.
Tot (yelling from the front entrance): Nervous?!
Sheira: Nah! You?
Tot: About going on stage? Not really. I’m more concerned about the mafia with fancy titles wrecking the party.
Sheira (deep sigh): Yeah, I hear ya. Well, we’re well prepared at least, right?
Tot: Right. With the exception of the ice.
Sheira: The ice?
Tot: Holiday hasn’t made it here with the ice yet.
Sheira: What?! We open the doors in two hours! Have you called him?
Tot: He didn’t answer.
Sheira: Call him again!
Tot: Yeah, I should. He does tend to nap at the most inconvenient times.
Sheira (biting lip, hands on hips): I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.
Sheira’s phone rings.
Sheira: Hey Chris!….Yep, everything is looking good here! You’ll be here in an hour…..fantastic! Nope, I’m not nervous. Everything is fine…...Ok, see ya soon!
Click.
Sheira: Shit.
Tot’s phone rings.
Tot: Hey Holiday! Uh huh…..ok…..right…..that sucks….uh huh…..yeah, I know that intersection…..ok, we’ll figure it out. Later.
Click.
Tot: His van broke down.
Sheira: Shit.
Tot: At a traffic light. The good news is he has a tow truck on the way.
Sheira: So we don’t have to go pick up the ice?
Tot: We have to pick up the ice.
Sheira: Why? Just have the van towed here!
Tot: He’s having it towed to a mechanic shop and wants us to pick up the ice.
Sheira (facepalm): We don’t have time for that! Call him back and tell him to have it towed here, and I’ll pay for a second tow to a mechanic later.
An hour later, Tot’s co-workers from “Five Tomatoes” are scurrying around the warehouse, getting the final pieces in place for the doors to open. Chris Ducker walks in with his crew. Sheira drops what she’s doing and goes to him.
Chris: Place looks great!
Sheira: Yep, sure does!
Chris (whispers to Sheira): Those anonymous crypto wallets you set up for me look great, too. (huge grin)
Sheira: Cool. And anytime you want to cash out for violence-backed federal reserve notes, just say the word and I’ll help you out.
Chris (squints): What kinda notes?
Sheira: That’s what I call “US Dollars”.
Chris: A’ight, that’s cool. (peers around) Ya’ll got drink stations set up over there.
Sheira (blushing): Yep. Bottles and mixers all ready to go.
Chris (steps closer to drink station): I don’t see no ice.
Sheira: Yep….ice isn’t here yet.
Chris (overbearing laugh): Wow, that’s some funny shit. Well, that’s yo money, not mine.
Sheira: True.
Chris: But damn.
Sheira: Also true. We’ll be ready.
Chris: Cool. I’m gonna run sound and light checks. If you need anything, don’t ask me.
Sheira: Got it.
Chris: Just playin’, man, loosen up girl! (big grin)
45 minutes later, a sweat-soaked Holiday comes rumbling through the crowd by the front door. He’s pulling a huge ice chest on wheels.
Holiday: Fresh ice, comin’ through!
Sheira notices the commotion and goes out with a few crew members to help unload the rest of the ice.
Holiday (to Sheira): Great news! You don’t have to pay for the second tow to the mechanic!
Sheira: What’s the catch?
Holiday: The driver gets to watch the show!
Sheira: We don’t have any seats left!
Holiday: He’s cool to stand by the bar!
Sheira (sighs): Perfect.
15 minutes later, 10pm, doors open. About 100 are already waiting outside and are checked in by private security and host staff, mostly current or former employees of “Five Tomatoes”.
Tot is having a last minute meeting with the service staff. Mid-90s hip-hop echoes in the background.
Tot: Ok, remember. Everything is 10 bucks. Any drink is ten, and a taco is ten. That’s all we have. Cash or Bitcoin only. No refunds. You each have a section of about 30 people. All dishes are plastic, so easy service and cleanup. Tips are yours, tax-free, the way it should be. Pictures are ok, but no live-streaming, for security reasons. Speaking of which, if the bullies in blue show up, remember the plan. Record them and get me, Sheira, or Roobix to deal with them. Ok, that’s it!Let’s make history!
11:45pm, 15 minutes until showtime, Brendon, the “Five Tomatoes” manager, shows up and approaches Tot while he’s in the middle of service, sweating, doing ten different things at once, with 10 more in the queue.
Brendon: Wow, there must be over 400 people here already! You got a sec, Tot?
Tot: Well, I’m helping serve all these people, one guy already drank too much and had to be kicked out, the Hennessey supply is starting to dwindle sooner than expected, and I go on stage in 15 minutes, but sure, for you, Brendon, I’ll drop everything and give you my undivided attention.
Brendon (oblivious, indifferent): Sweet, thanks. Can I meet Chris Ducker after the show? I’ve got a movie script I wanna pitch….
Tot cuts him off: Absolutely not. Go grab a seat. I gotta run more drinks.
Tot runs off.
Brendon (yelling): Ok, then, I’ll just go help myself to some Hennessey! (speaks in muffled voice) While the show is still a go….(laughs sadistically to self)
At 12:03am, Tot runs on stage, the music is cut, he welcomes everyone to the show and introduces Sheira Belle.
Sheira pretends to build a house on stage. She is approached by Roobix.
Roobix: Hey, do you have permission to build here?
Sheira: I don’t need permission to do something on my property!
Roobix pulls out a badge.
Roobix: If you don’t have a permit, you can’t build anything! Now whatcha think?
Sheira: I think you have mental problems if you think that silly little badge changes anything. Now leave before I use self-defense.
Roobix frowns and leaves.
Sheira is now walking and is approached by Roobix.
Roobix: Give me half your money!
Sheira pulls out a pistol and points it at Roobix.
Sheira: NO!
Roobix pulls out a badge and holds it in Sheira’s face.
Roobix: You have to give me half your money! Now what do ya think, huh?
Sheira: What I think is that a bullet will have the same effect on you, with or without your costume. What I know is that nobody has the right to steal.
Roobix huffs and walks away.
Tot comes on stage. Sheira pours a shot of tequila and trades it to Tot for cash. Roobix approaches.
Roobix: Stop! You don’t have a license to sell that!
Sheira: Get lost!
Roobix pulls out badge and grins.
Roobix: If you don’t comply I’ll…..
Gun cocks and Roobix shuts up as he notices a pistol pointed at his face. Sheira pours herself a shot of tequila with her other hand and starts counting down from five.
Roobix (nervous): Is that countdown for your tequila shots, or…..?
Sheira: Three…..
Roobix runs away in a panic, arms flailing ridiculously.
Roobix (yelling): Why didn’t my dark magic trick work on them?! (fake cry)
Sheira puts the gun down, clinks glasses with Tot.
Sheira: To True Freedom!
Sheira and Tot down the tequila. The crowd has a mixture of laughs, claps, and confused groans as Tot exits the stage.
Sheira: Thank you!
Deep hip-hop beats begin in the background.
Sheira: And now for what you all came to see, one of the biggest comedians on the planet, Chris Ducker!
Thunderous applause.
Chris Ducker jumps onto the stage energetically and the crowd goes wild.
Ducker: Give it up for Sheira Belle! She helped put on this show, so give it up!
Crowd gets louder.
Ducker: Damn, this a big crowd! Ya’ll pat yourselves on the back for dodgin’ the PO-lice and getting here in one piece!
Big laughs.
Sheira runs over to Tot.
Sheira: Ok, what can I do to help?
Tot: Get Brendon away from the bar. Other than that, things are going great!
30 minutes later, Brendon slips out the back door.
Brendon: Well, that was nice. Now for the real show to start. (cackles malevolently)
He’s approached by a rights-violator in a uniform.
Rights Violator: Thanks for the tip, Brendon.
Brendon: My pleasure, Sheriff Small. (smug, self-satisfied smirk)
Brendon walks past a dozen cop cars that have blocked off the street behind the warehouse.
Sheriff Richard Small yells to the other rights violators that “it’s go time”, and they begin to storm in from the back door, guns drawn, blood pumping with roid-filled rage.
Roobix is one of the first to see the storm troopers, and he quickly pulls out his phone to record and livestream. The crowd panics and desperately flee out the front and back doors. Sheira, Holiday, and the service staff all start recording and live-streaming to various social media channels. Tot collects as much of the cash as he can and locks it up in a secret floor compartment under a bar cart.
Rights violators in uniforms shoot their pistols wildly in the air, cackling and terrorizing the crowd as they continue to flee.
Richard Small shouts over a megaphone during the mayhem:
This is an illegal and unlicensed public assembly!
After most of the crowd has dispersed, it’s mostly just the service crew left in the building as they continue to record and live-stream the violent attack they’re suffering through.
Richard Small walks around holding his phone, seeking something or someone. He waddles over to Roobix.
Richard Small: Ah hah! I gotcha! (puts phone away) You’re the property owner here, right?
Roobix continues to record as he answers: You are violating my property rights, yes.
Richard Small: You’re selling food and alcohol without a permit! You’re operating as a comedy club venue without license from the state! You’re violating building codes!
Roobix: You’re being recorded and live-streamed!
Richard Small (gawking around awkwardly): What do ya mean?
An order-follower shouts at Small: He means they’re sending video over the internet…..
Small cuts him off (furious): I know what live-streaming is! Shut those cameras off!
Sheira Belle: Leave and we’ll shut them off!
Small points his gun at Sheira Belle.
Small: Shut them off or else!
Sheira Belle: Or else what? You’re going to murder me in front of the whole world?
Small lowers his gun and peers around slowly.
Small: Ok, boys. We’ve done our job. Let’s go. (looks at Roobix) You’ll be dealt with later.
The order-followers stand down and march out.
Tot: Where’s Chris?
Sheira: I’ll call him.
Sheira pulls out her Ghost Phone and calls Chris Ducker.
Sheira: Chris?! You good?
Chris: Nah, I’m pretty far from good.
Sheira: You’re safe?
Chris: For now. Is my money safe?
Sheira: All your Bitcoin is in anonymous accounts. It’s fine.
Chris: Not fine. We’ll talk later.
Click.
Sheira Belle looks around at the wreckage inflicted by the extortion-funded order-followers in uniforms. Upside-down tables, flipped chairs, spilled drinks, strewn tacos, a few hastily downed hats, and a colorful variety of other debris.
Sheira: Ok, let’s clean up. Tot, Roobix, after the crew leaves, we’ll talk about our next move.
End Episode 2
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!