Main Characters
Blackjack – Bling species - Looks like a fat parrot with zebra stripes. Male. Has arms and legs. Eats, drinks, and breathes somewhat like humans.
Pokher – Tippity species - Looks like a lizard walking upright with a swordfish for a face. Eats, drinks, and breathes somewhat like a human. Female
Blue – Swig Species - Floating, pulsing ball. Female. Communicates via color changes. Moves objects with telekinesis. Absorbs nutrients from various plants and animals by touching them and absorbing them. Also absorbs water.
Tom - Human
Pixel – Species is part synthetic, so was created by another, unknown species. Are found in many parts of the universe. Pixel was created on Planet Bling (hence knowing Blackjack) Consists of trillions of particles, part biological, part synthetic. Male. Absorbs energy from the atmosphere. Doesn’t eat, drink, or breathe.
Episode 2
Scene 1
The Blazing Muffin is streaking through space, on their way to the Lechuga star system. The crew is helping their first human, Tom, acclimate to life on a starship.
Tom: So I’m breathing oxygen right now.
Pixel (currently in the shape of a human): Yes, partly. The air on the ship is within range of what you can breathe.
Tom: What are you breathing?
Pixel: I don’t breath. I absorb energy from the environment.
Tom: Like a plant?
Pixel: Not exactly, but if that makes it easier for you to comprehend, then sure. Blackjack and Pokher own the ship, and they breath roughly the same air as humans, so that’s why you’re ok without a breather.
Tom: A breather?
Pixel: Yeah, Blue has nanoparticles in her breathing apparatus that adapt the air for her. You’ll need some, too, if you go to another planet. Now, on to food and drink. You hungry?
Tom: Starving.
They’re interrupted by a message from Blackjack.
Blackjack: Hey, you two should come up to the bridge. We’ve got company.
Pixel: Good or bad company?
Blackjack: Don’t know yet.
Pixel and Tom walk a funky, multi-colored corridor, past a few machines and screens, make a right, and arrive at the bridge. Blackjack, Blue, and Pokher are observing the large view screen. On screen is a starship, oddly shaped, kind of like a 20th century Earth table lamp.
Computer: They’re calling.
Pokher: Go ahead, put them on screen.
Two large, smirking creatures appear on screen.
Tom: They look like trees, but with fur and cat faces.
Blackjack: Hello! I’m not familiar with your species. What is your ethical code?
Tom (whispers to Blue): You don’t ask for their names first?
Blue: If they’re a bunch of immoral thugs, we don’t want anything to do with them, so why ask?
Tom ponders this.
One of the creatures replies.
Creature 1: We are members of the Coalition of United Planets Galaxies And Star Systems. You are unregistered. You must assimilate.
Blackjack (groans): Ah, great. CUPGASS. Well, that tells me all I need to know. Computer, shields up, let’s book it!
The alien ship shoots at them and pursues.
Tom: They’re shooting at us!
Pixel: Are you surprised? They’re CUPGASS!
Tom: What’s CUPGASS?
Pokher: The Coalition of United Planets Galaxies and Star Systems, the biggest government in the universe!
Blackjack: Computer, target the anti-engine, heat resistant goo gun at their main engine.
Tom: Wow, what is that?
Blue: A gun that clogs up engines with heat resistant goo.
Tom: The name is quite accurate in its description.
Computer: They don’t have an engine.
Pokher: What? That’s absurd!
Computer: Just kidding. Target locked on.
Blackjack: Fire!
Giant blobs of heat resistant goo fly through space and hit one of the main engines of the lamp-shaped craft. This slows it down enough to make an escape.
Blackjack: Computer, remind me to deprogram that sense of humor out of you later.
Computer: What?
Blackjack: Just kidding.
Tom: Great. I survived my first space battle!
Blackjack: Ok, on to Lechuga Prime!
Tom: Lechuga? That’s weird.
Pokher: Why is that weird?
Tom: Lechuga means “lettuce” in Spanish, an Earth language. What are the odds of that?
Pokher: What were the odds of you getting picked up by a bunch of alien anarchists today?
Tom: Good point.
Scene 2
The Blazing Muffin is approaching Lechuga Prime.
Tom (looking at view screen): You’ve gotta be kidding me! The planet looks like a head of lettuce! What are the odds of that?
Pixel: Why are you so fascinated with odds?
Blue: And lettuce?
Tom: I’m not...it’s just...never mind. Have you guys been here before?
Blackjack: Yep, we love it. We might take a look at Lechuga Subprime while we’re here, too.
Tom: Lechuga Subprime?
Pokher: Yeah, that’s a smaller planet nearby. The people there are all slaves to a violence-based ruling class.
Tom: What about Lechuga Prime?
Blue: A much larger planet with an anarchist population.
Blackjack: Enough talk. We’re here. Let’s get down to Lechuga Prime!
Tom: What are we here for?
Blackjack: Supplies, social visits, and any other pleasurable pursuits we might find agreeable.
Tom: Sweet. Can I go?
Pokher: You stay here and guard the ship.
Computer: He’s new, what possible use could he be?
Tom (offended): Hey!
Computer: I can guard myself.
Blackjack: How may times do I have to tell you computer, you’re not the entire ship!
Pixel: Nothing worse than a computer with an ego. I’ll stay and guard the ship. Let the new guy go to Lechuga Prime.
Pokher: Ok Tom, if you wanna go, you’ll need to breathe in some nanoparticles to help you breathe the atmosphere.
Tom (enthusiastic): Great, bring it on!
A robot brings out a tray with a small line of white powder on it. Tom looks at it skeptically and hesitates. The others watch impatiently.
Blue: What’s the problem?
Tom: It looks kind of like, um…
Blackjack: Spit it out. We haven’t got all day!
Computer: I believe his hesitation is produced by a psychological reflex.
Blackjack: Explain.
Computer: There is a white stimulant on earth that looks very similar. It produces brief rushes of energetic euphoria and is violently suppressed.
Pokher: Yeah, well that’s not what it is Tom. Just snort it so we can get going!
Tom snorts the white powder and the white powder sets up shop in his lungs.
Pixel: There, now you can safely breathe the atmosphere of the known 7,788 worlds with sentient life, plus or minus ten.
Tom: Plus or minus ten? That’s not very comforting. I’ll be fine on Lechuga Prime, right?
Computer: Highly likely. Now get going.
Blackjack: Ok, computer, beam all of us down except for Pixel.
Blackjack, Pokher, Blue, and Tom all disappear, then reappear on Lechuga Prime. They’re in the middle of a busy marketplace. The thing that gets Tom’s attention first is what appear to be heads of lettuce floating, flying, and jumping around.
Tom: Whoa! What’s with all the autonomous lettuce?
Pokher: They’re the locals.
Tom (shocked disbelief): Aw, come on! The planet is called Lechuga and the people are shaped like lettuce! How is this possible?
One of the locals stops and hovers between Tom and Blackjack.
It talks to them telepathically: Why is it people assume that sentient life has to have two arms and two legs?
Everyone laughs except Tom.
Blackjack: Tom, this is a friend of mine. You won’t be able to pronounce his name, but in your language the rough translation is “The Dealer”.
Tom: Why do you call him “The Dealer”?
The Dealer: Blackjack, is this his first time off world?
Blackjack: Yeah, we just picked him up from Earth.
The Dealer: Never heard of it. Anyway, glad you guys are here. Are you interested in business or pleasure first?
Half say business, the other half pleasure.
The Dealer: Ok, I’ll pick. On to business.
Half of them grumble.
The Dealer: Oh yeah, before we get started, did you happen to see any of our long lost cousins from Lechuga Subprime on your way here?
Pokher (perplexed): No. Why?
The Dealer: Word is that they’ve attempted a bunch of raids lately. They’ve all been repelled as far as I know, but if you guys came alone, then who knows, ya know?
The Dealer suddenly drops to the ground and starts rolling around.
Tom: What are you doing, Dealer?
Dealer: Doing my nutrient grab.
Pokher: All the Lechugas here have to roll around in the soil at least three times a day to absorb nutrients.
Tom: They don’t eat?
Dealer: Do you see a mouth?
Meanwhile, back on The Blazing Muffin, Pixel gets an alert from the computer.
Computer: Pixel, we are being approached by a number of unknown ships, and they’re very strange.
Pixel: How many, and what do you mean ‘strange’?
Computer: If my sensors are correct, they number in the trillions.
Pixel: What?! How is that possible?
Computer: Because they are only a few centimeters each.
Pixel: We’re encountering a new sentient life form with trillions of spaceships?
Computer: It appears so.
Pixel: Shields up.
Computer: No kidding. Wait, I’m also sensing two ships about the same size as ours flanking the swarm of smaller ships. They are from Lechuga Subprime.
Pixel: Put them on screen.
A swarm of trillions of mini-spaceships appears on screen, flanked by two Lechuga Subprime Raiders.
Pixel: Call Blackjack now.
A moment later, Blackjack’s voice comes over the comm system.
Blackjack: This had better be good.
Pixel: It’s not. It’s very bad. We’ve got company.
To be continued…..
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!
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