Daddy Issues

"...I know you love your daddy," my friend recently says to me in conversation.  

I really didn't know what to do with the feelings that those words triggered. I do love my dad, but I don't think of him as "daddy". I've never been a "daddy's girl" and frankly I resisted it. My father is a wonderful man, and I know he loves me very much.  I was never ever abused in any way.  He’s always freely hugged me and told me “I love you.” But he is not someone who makes me feel steady, grounded or rooted. He is skeptical and anxious and he encourages my own such tendencies. He did provide for me the best he could and shelter me from storms, but he is not a man who likes to lead or who naturally encourages growth or expansiveness in me or in others. Instead he encourages all people to minimize risks, to keep skeptical, not to trust too much, and to stay on the lookout...safe and small. 

I think part of my whole life has been living in resistance to this energy! I've long felt that one of my life callings has always been to live more openly, more expansively, less in fear, and take a risk here and there. I guess to say through my actions, "look what I did Dad. I took a small risk, and I'm still OK!" 

Dad and me at my wedding to @sean-king in 1992

Basically I've gone against all of his life advice...I've worked too hard, not taken it easy, and at times I've probably gotten bigger than my britches…  I've always known part of that was to just try and show him WHAT IS POSSIBLE. But my friend's comment the other day of, "I know you love your daddy" really triggered a realization in me of how much my relationship with my dad has impacted my life. 

I know without a doubt that my dad loves me and is proud of me, and I truly love him too. He's proud that I married @sean-king who is such an amazing man, who provides well, we have plenty of money, a fabulous relationship, and we have great kids. But, my dad has never endorsed our decisions. He would not have gone off and explored Europe in college with Sean (too far away from home and I spent all of my savings), he would have chosen a different career for me (CPAs work too many hours), he would not have bought such a big house (too much space to take care of and too large of a mortgage), he would not have become a pilot nor bought his own plane (Sean purchased a plane and got His pilot's license to expedite His work travel), and he would definitely not open a yoga center or purchase an old building for such in a "sketchy" part of Knoxville, like we have recently done, AND he sure as hell would not have celebrated nor endorsed my celebration of Go Topless Day here on Steemit this past Sunday. 

I would love for my dad to have confidence in me.  To share a goal or a dream of mine with him and hear my dad say, just once, "wow...that sounds really exciting! Glad you are pursuing a dream. Go for it! Aim high. You Don't know until you try. 😀" Or just Anything like that...! I would like for him to see there are other ways to live besides scared and small. I would like, just for once, to hear "Cindy, you helped me see something in a new way." 

I've long wanted to do this with all people. To just inspire or impress them…and now I am realizing that this desire all started with, or is because of, me dad. 😐

But then I realized that just being myself anyway and living how I want to live, with respect for him as my father, but living how I choose regardless of his approval, would be practicing living that way with everyone else. 

So now I get it!

>>>> Overcoming your daddy issues liberates the rest of your life!! Not just in my case, but dare I say for anyone...? I humbly suggest that we all have our own daddy issues whether we are aware of them yet or not, they are DEEPLY rooted, and are often unconsciously influencing how we operate and how we see the world. 

Still loving my dad, but letting go of wanting to please or impress or change my father's opinion of my life is the ultimate practice for me of letting go of that desire for approval with other people as well. Let it end where it all began.  

This is my practice. 🙏🏽

Dad with his 1st grandson, Logan

ps - I am absolutely not blaming my dad.  This is my issue!  Every parent, even the best ones with the greatest of intentions, will end up giving their kids shit to work through later in life.  And it's not just daddy issues...don't even get me started on the mommy issues I've probably given my own kids despite my very best efforts. This is just life! I think giving our kids crap to resolve later is part of a every parent's purpose.  I'm grateful to my dad for EVERYTHING...all the experiences and all the love.  

@sean-king many years ago with our son, Shelton

Me with our son, Shelton

pss - I am also grateful to my friend @johanniellano who is dealing with her own daddy issues.  Frankly, witnessing Jo's growing awareness of her own struggles, which some things may root back to issues she has with her father, was the 1st little life nudge for me (like life saying, "ehem...! you better check into your own daddystuff here girl.)