Over one year now I haven't really forgiven myself. I have tried but I just haven't been able to. He called me, my sister called too. I thought it was just the usual, afterall I will later call when I have time but I didn't know I will never get to speak with him again. Others were there and I wasn't, I kept on procrastinating. What if I were there? What if we talked and he found courage to stay. I took things for granted when it mattered the most.
I was having a relationship problem, it was draining me. I traveled home, saw my baby , stay with him in his father's house, I was treated like a trash, well maybe because the father of my boy was far away from us. He would call to ask how I was fairing, I would lie that I was fine even when I wasn't. But a certain day came I opened up to him and not too surprised though, he accused me of lying against his family. That infuriated me, and I decided to leave. Daddy came over to visit, and realized what was happening with me. He counseled me, encouraged me, we even talked about other things and laughed, he even reminded me of his birthday coming soon and how he planed to celebrate it. Daddy was to turn 73 that year. I didn't know that would be the end of us seeing each other again.
Few days later i traveled back to base, and got a call that daddy was ill. I thought maybe it was a minor issue and I prayed and hoped silently that he would be fine. I reached out everyday to know how he was. Daddy felt better and was back home. I was still having problem with my relationship, he called me again and asked that I come back home so we could settle the issue amicably. I told him I would come when I'm ready. Oh why didn't I listen!, .
On the 7th of May my sister called again that dad has been hospitalized again and that I should come home. I told her I would come back when I'm ready. Was I being selfish? Maybe. But believe me I was going through alot emotionally, all I wanted was to cool off from the whole relationship drama. I promised myself that I would go back but not immediately. I was worried about Dad but still believed he would be fine. Yeah he has always come back fine, but this time it was different. I kept my faith high again, praying and hoping to hear that he was back.
Then the Sunday before that Monday, I started having a negative instinct, "what if Daddy doesn't make it?" I rejected it immediately.. but it keeps on coming. I quickly took my phone and called my sister, this time she wasn't sounding optimistic about it. She said no improvement yet. Hmmm, I then made up my mind to go home the next day. This time not even for the relationship issue, this time, it was for my father.
The next day being the 12th of May. I had gone to plug plug my phone where it would charge. I went to the market to get a footwear for the travel. Then the negative instinct came again, I had to encourage myself that nothing happened and nothing nothing bad will happen. After buying what I needed, I came back, when to the charging center to get my phone, I immediately put it on, immediately my sister called again. This time she just said, "MMA" as she usually calls me, Daddy wants to give you his last blessings, that was when I knew that, Daddy has gone. I know you would wonder how that would make me to know. Let me say it.. dad doesn't have a particular day he blesses us, I always hear him say that he blesses his children every morning. That was how I knew. I cautioned her to stop lying and spit it out, she then said it out. I didn't know if I should continue the journey or if I should stay. I was confused. The tears seized, I was dumbfounded, many thoughts ran through my mind. I managed to travel home. I got home that night, went straight into daddy's room, Knelt down and cried. I asked for forgiveness, I blamed myself, I felt responsible for his death. I was deeply emotionally traumatized.
It's been over one year, and I can't still stop blaming myself. So many "what ifs" always running through my mind . Daddy I love you, I didn't mean to disobey you by not coming back immediately, I was just trying to heal. Guess what? I came back but I didn't see you again. Oh I wish..I came before you departed.
