Holy fuckin shit. It is so hard to breathe right now. For the past week plus, there’s been a growing wildfire in the area I’m currently working in and it has been inching towards us. I already had to move campsites twice, and as the fire grows to 33,000 acres and the wind shifts towards us; well.. it’s getting rough.
this photo is unedited. The color is just from the actual AIR right now
Living a new, sober life in the van has caused a lot of changes in me. For one, I constantly have to find things to do to keep myself sober. It’s a wonderful and welcome change, but man, I need to learn how to relax. Because I have been a little too busy. My hikes have grown in length and intensity, I skate every day, I have started running out of completely nowhere, and my feet are bleeding. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and I am starting to really enjoy this version of myself.
It’s been difficult to find time for the simplest things, though. I get back to the van at night exhausted, and typically just eat some dinner and go to bed. I have been trying to keep up with other meaningful-to-me things, primarily writing, but it’s been difficult to fit in all into one day. And then there’s the fire.
from a hike Friday night. It’s gotten so much worse in the last few days.
It’s been steadily growing and approaching for a solid week now. The air quality is worsening, and we’re now handing out N95s at work. A few days ago, I got an emergency evacuation notice on my phone as I was leaving work, and headed down the hill towards Portland to see how things fizzled out. It was my weekend so I spent a couple days down there, and everything seemed all good, until I came back up the hill for work this morning. Oh my GOD. It’s hard to breathe, my eyes physically hurt just from walking across the lot, and all my belongings are covered in ash being swept in by the wind. We’re trying to stay optimistic, but we’ll have to see what happens over the next few days. This shit is no joke
Aside from the fire though, life has been good. As I mentioned before, sobriety is starting to feel right and once I can breathe again I am excited to continue with some of the new paths I’ve found myself on. I feel more positive, calm, accepting of reality. I have decided that I’m going to run a marathon for the first time in my life. There’s one I have my eyes set before the end of the year, and I have a lot of progress to make but if I can just finish within the time limit, thats good enough for me. If I find myself enjoying it, I’ll aim higher next time- I really don’t know haha. I’m becoming the human embodiment of the shrug emoji.
Financial decisions and goals have also shifted greatly for me. I get like a literal high at night if I haven’t spent any money that day. I am mainly surviving off of staff meals as I’m finally working enough to make this somewhat realistic. I do occasionally buy some form of food here and there; but that’s mostly just due to the changes in my lifestyle and paranoia that my legs are gonna fail me if I don’t consume enough protein. Every day I don’t buy alcohol, I see that as progress towards a new camper, running shoes, gifts for loved ones, camping gear, etc. Things I always thought I couldn’t afford before, I now confidently can say I can, in part due to my drop in poor impulse decisions. I still make impulse purchases; but now it’s things like a gym membership and new skateboard wheels, rather than a night roaming around Portland bars.
That is something I do truly miss about drinking, though. I don’t think I’ve been sober long enough yet to step foot in a bar, especially alone. But whenever I’m in a new town or city, and I really want to see the local scene; I mean god, the restraint it takes. I don’t even want to drink. I just don’t want to be the weird solo sober guy in the bar.
My brain is entirely enveloped in fog(well, smoke, if we want to be literal) and I am seemingly unable to think straight. I prepare myself to drive down the hill in hopes that the air is a little better down there; but it’s not promising. I find it silly that my primary concerns right now are about the lack of ability to safely exercise over the literal impending doom looming over us. Sober life is weird. Sober me is weird. Stay golden all you cool cats and dogs.