Am I all of a sudden afraid of the dark? I mean, I’m only half joking. I’ve been finding myself cutting my nightly outings short due to feelings of general discomfort; something completely foreign to me as I am very much so nocturnal. I’m not sure where this has come from- although I have been running on a very forested mountain road, and the possibility of cougar encounters is very real. Black bears; I’m cool with. Grew up around them. Hell, back east my dog dog was straight up friends with them.. but cougars are a different story.
(a scene outside my front door back home)
I would say I’m just making excuses for myself, but I’m really not. Because instead of just calling it quits and high-tailing it to the van, I just do a little micro-loop on the stretch of road where the trees allow for a little moonlight. And in parts the neon gas station sign shines through. Other than that, it’s just pitch dark.
I could easily go run in town instead; but that seems downright boring to me. On top of myself not liking running in front of people. I don’t know why- it’s not like I’m embarrassed about being out of breath and covered in sweat. It’s more like, hey everyone look at me I’m exercising. Like, there’s almost something cocky about it. Running by the bar that, at literally any other given point in my past, I’d be blowing my money inside of, hoping to find my soulmate or some dumb shit… i dunno, it just feels weird. Like I’m presenting my sobriety or some shit.
Well, enough of that. It wasn’t the day I wanted exactly, but it was still a good day. And by “good”, I mean somewhat normal and uneventful. I’m really trying to re-route my brain into being okay with that. I had a good day at work, I came back to the van, went for a run, watched a movie I really enjoyed, and slept well. Why isnt that enough? The answer is, that it is enough. I just need to settle on that. My only complaint is that I didn’t run for longer, but again, that’s just me being scared of ghost cougars.
I have a surprise trip coming up. Nothing exciting; but I am going back to where I grew up for 10 days. Unfortunately, part of the trip was inspired by my friend’s passing, and a “memorial service” type thing. I put that in quotation marks because, well, it’s really not any sort of formal or traditional memorial service- rather we are pouring some concrete at our local skate spot in V’s honor. A small tribute, but he will be cemented forever in said concrete. Skate on my friend.
I’m undoubtedly extremely excited to go home and seen some friends and family, but the timing also couldn’t be worse. I have no time to do anything before I take off, and I’m nervous that when I return full-blown winter will have hit and the thing a i need to get done are going to either lose their place on my priority list, or just become downright miserable to do. I’m not looking forward to doing work on the van in snowy, cold conditions- but hey, I don’t have much of a choice. And that’s fine. I need to train myself to understand; it’s ok to not do everything perfectly all the time. Fuckin laugh about it, bud. Go east on yourself.
I couldn’t be more excited for winter, even though I’m not ready. Like at all. But I need it. Obviously, losing a friend took a serious toll on me, but even without that, I think it’s fair to attribute a significant portion to my recent depression to environment. I mean, hell, I can’t deny this is an extremely special place. But during this time of year, I can’t help but continually ask myself, what am I doing here? I am so ready for the next adventure, and this one hasn’t even fully begun yet. I decided to stay here this year FOR the winter, and it’s been hard to make it to that point. But it’s so, so close.
The next adventure is so intriguing to me. I just have to keep reminding myself that there’s plenty more on the road ahead. I bounce back and forth between welcoming death, assuring myself that I’ve lived a good life and if it were to end I’d be satisfied.. and eagerly looking forward to more. I mean, fuck, I’m 33 years old. I have PLENTY of time left.. hopefully. But I’m somehow having somewhat of a mid-life crisis instead. I could explain it away a million different ways, but I think it’s best if I just keep taking this roller coaster day by day, and one of these days, I’m gonna wake up and things will be better.
I think I will stay here through the end of May. Snow season lasts through July or August typically, so maybe I’ll push through til then. This place is beautiful, and special, but once I hit a year here I gotta move on to the next adventure. It’s certainly not home, at least it doesn’t feel like it now. I find myself missing the fuck out of Seattle, but I’m afraid that if I head back there I will get stuck there. The big picture goal is a year in Thailand. But I don’t know if I’ll be ready for it next year. So maybe another one here in the states beforehand, just me and my van. It sounds silly, but my old ass Chevy is kind of my biggest mental roadblock. I will inevitably sell it when I leave the country, and while I’m not done with life on the road, I will obviously be getting a different rig whenever the time comes. And that makes me sad.
Yes, the van is essentially just as old as me. Yes, it has a lot of problems. Yes, I need something else; something bigger. But I love this fucking thing. Whatever I get next will likely be more modern; more convenient but without the personality. I almost feel like I’d be letting the previous owner down when I finally get rid of the thing. So, I think one year somewhere else with this old metal bucket is necessary. I have been putting money away for either a new rig or Thailand, and my emotions are pulling me in all sorts of ways.
This wasn’t really an Actifit report card at all. I just started rambling and couldn’t stop. I’m tapping away on my break between shifts on my weekly double, and tomorrow marks my last day off before my trip. Hopefully some good people and familiar scenery will get my head straight and get me writing more. I mean, I’ve been writing a LOT- but I want to write more here. More fun writing. I had meant to do a 31 for 31 this October, but V’s passing put a damper on that. Hoping to get more into stuff like that over the next couple of weeks. Hope you all are well and thriving :)
This report was published via Actifit app (Android | iOS). Check out the original version here on actifit.io