God damn, I did not handle that well. I mean, in the grand scheme of things; I guess I am doing alright; prior to sobriety my “coping” with loss was objectively much less healthy.. so theres that. I managed to keep my ~4 month sober streak going, even through V’s unexpected passing. So, I can give myself a tiny pat on the back for that!
The past two weeks or so have seemed like an eternity. I haven’t had a single day off work since the bleak news, and, thus, this long weekend is very welcomed. I, of course, got up much later than I wanted to.. something that is seeming to become a trend lately. I have also gotten out of the habit of getting to bed once the sun has gone down, although I think that will revert back soon. Snow season is sneaking up fast, even though the weather hasn’t been giving any hints to that nature as of late.
Even though I had stayed up until probably two in the morning, I had managed to NOT pack for my couple of days in Portland, which I had planned on doing. So, the morning pretty much just comprised of throwing a couple of things in my backpack and triple-guessing every decision I made. I wanted to fill up my coffee mug before getting on the bus, but after turning around first for a sweatshirt, and second for my headphones.. by the time the van doors were finally locked, the time had passed.
I hopped off the bus in Sandy, and quickly found myself questioning my own decision making skills. I mean, yeah, it’s typically part of my routine, and I honestly kind of prefer the Sandy park to any skatepark in PDX.. but I had forgotten it was Sunday until about a quarter mile from hopping off the big blue bus. I had made my bed, and I had to lay in it, so I went to the park regardless but… oh man, it was bad. After a couple of sprints off the board to avoid children and some pretty scary near misses… I gave up. The kids can use the skatepark as a playground today; it was my fault for heading there on a Sunday anyways.
So, after falling for a “you dropped your pocket”, I found myself sitting back at the transit center. A short while later, on the train. It takes a significant amount of time to take public transportation from Hood to PDX, but it is SO convenient.. and I really don’t need to be driving the van the 50-odd miles down the hill in it’s current condition, nor do I want to park it. So, despite other people dubbing it a “pain in the ass”, I am ever grateful for the transit system bridging the gap between mountain town and city. It makes my life infinitely easier.
This was actually a long-planned trip to town. Mostly because, I was supposed to run the god damn Portland Marathon. The thing is, I am an idiot.. so I forgot to take the day before the marathon off work so I could go pick up my bib. In my defense, the app my employer uses is incredibly confusing when it comes to time off requests.. not to mention the sole fact that requiring people to be at a marathon the day before is dumb.. but it was entirely my fault. Look, I get it, I fucked up, objectively, and I am not by any means trying to shift blame but.. I mean come on. It’s a one day event. People should be able to work the day before. But again, what it all boils down to is me being a dumbass.
I decided that during my time in Portland, however, I am going to run a marathon anyways. Alone, and just for fun. The whole purpose for me even running this in the first place was to prove to myself that I could do it, so who cares if it’s during a regulated event or not. That being said, I really wish I didn’t fuck this one up, because it could’ve been a very beneficial thing for me to just be a part of something right now. The loneliness of this tiny mountain town is settling in hard, and even though I am starting to make “friends”, I need ways to interact with other people in this new part of the country for me. I can’t overstate just how lonely I have been.
Anyways, back to yesterday. I returned to the Society; the hostel I stayed at yesterday. A bunk here is half the price of the gas cost it would take me to drive my house down here, without the headache. I dropped off my bags and showered while my phone charged, and then took a quick trip to Trader Joe’s because I was feeling a little hangry. I decided to sit on the ground in a random park while eating my lentil wrap, and just trying to RELAX. It was difficult, it was forced, but I started to feel better. God damn, it’s nice out here.
I picked up another horror book at the used book store, and gave it a solid half hour of my time down by the river. Truth be told, I’m hooked. But, the sun was going down and I wasn’t ready for the day to be over yet. So I kept on walking. And walking, and walking and walking. Zero point to any of it, just walking.
And that was pretty much that. Eventually it was dark, I was on the wrong side of the river, and I was mentally battling the decision between just going to bed to get up early today, or staying up and.. well, still getting up early today. I wish I could just relax, but I can’t.. especially these days, I feel like I NEED to make the most of every day. To a fault. But, hey, whatever, maybe I will eventually learn. I hope this finds you all well :)
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