...This may be my favorite poem yet for probably obvious reasons.
I grew up "Dirt Poor" either in the projects in the city or on literal dirt roads of West Virginia until I was about 13, then we moved to a trailer park that was in town.
I was always one of the biggest and strongest kids, but my dad taught me to pull my confidence more from my knowledge and my social intelligence, or how I carried myself in a conversation. I'm not the smartest guy in the room but those morals helped me not end up a shallow meathead that just wanted to be known as a hardass that could get girls. I wanted to be known as mentally strong and smart. I wanted to be like my Dad
There's so much to tell but to be honest, this is more about the piece than my history with my Dad, but what I will say is he was a very intelligent man who was raised in a wealthy family. He had a Masters's Degree in Chemical engineering and a Bachelor's in Environmental Engineering. He was a spoiled kid (like he spoiled me lol) and he eventually became an alcoholic.
Even though I was broke my dad would school me on how the "other side" worked, and how the people on that side should act.
He was so intelligent socially and he had a way of manipulating people, but with that came some good too.
He could make me feel like I was such a great, smart, handsome kid, and that I could do anything I wanted.
but he was an alcoholic so yeah, It never worked out and he eventually ran off to Florida and left my mom and me when I was 13.
But he treated me so well and taught me so much I could never (now that hes gone) deny how grateful I am he was in my life. He wasn't my birth father but he and my mother started taking care of me when I was 9 months old so to me they were my everything.
But anyway, here it is...
I haven't seen you in 15 years and Mom told me she heard that you passed away
She cried
I was stunned that you died.
Because even in your drunkest you always seemed
To convince me, you would come back and save the day
And you passed away
But It's okay
I was fine with you in Florida and out of my mind
And honestly, now that you're dead
and it really is it,
I finally feel like we can have a relationship
It sounds so dramatic but It really does make sense because before you didn't come when I needed you because you wanted to get drunk and speed through, anything that hurt you.
I believed you
And you didn't come
And that hurt me but I know you didn't mean to
it just consumed you
and you simplee couldn't see me
through the fog of your DT's
cause I remembered begging at least
for you to please take me when you leave.
And you still left me.
But fuck that you were so hurt and in pain and hell and you treated me so well
until your college degrees couldn't protect your disease
and every job would release
you after you ran off to the bars again,
and again, dad please don't do this,
You'd say bud bud I promise I'm putting an end to this drinking and...
then You'd slip
Mom would flip
Break shit
And you would blame her for why You dipped.
But all that meant nothing
When I would try to sleep because I was too busy wishing you were here with me.
Teaching me
about chemistry
I was too young but you said I was smart enough.
And that was always enough to give me the confidence to do anything
Until I was 13
and Sherrie was in the hospital and you said you were gonna leave and get a place for you and me and then you left...and nothing
You just left.
No apartment and no call
At all.
It hurt but I understand because shortly after you left I began, to do anything I can,
to forget about everything I am.
For 10 years I ran
But still, here I am
a recovery coach who helps guys realize that their dad lies shouldn't dictate their lives.
And you died.
But I love you because everything I am is you
How I talk, argue, it's all you
How speak is just you filtered through me.
You spoiled me though
Before you left.
And I love you for that.
You taught me a lot before you left.
And I thank you for that
So no matter how sad I feel, or mad
I'll always call you
my Dad
Thanks for the read, and here are some pics of us growing up
-Fishing was the most country thing my dad did and I used to love to go on adventures to the river with him
-This is my favorite picture of us together.
