It's natural when this happens to seek guidance; a guiding light in the figurative mist of the mental fog.
However in this vulnerable state, it's easy to be seduced down some dark pathways, many disguised as being sources of light.
Cult leaders, drug dealers, loan sharks, scam artists, multi level marketers, narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths, gambling, drinking and drug habits all waiting to destroy the unwary and unwise.
The mental image I have is like being a volunteer on the stage of a hypnotist: highly suggestible.
Emotional literacy and knowing what I am feeling at any given time. Being aware of manupulation tactics, love bombing, giddiness, devaluation, discarding, silent treatment and listening for insincerity.
Being self aware and accepting my true self, and channelling that into peaceful state of mind.
Setting boundaries, having a moral code, strict limits to what I'll accept and what I won't. Never revealing my childhood traumas to anyone, or weaknesses during job interviews.
Protecting my finances, securing a regular source of income, being mindful of my spending patterns, and not being attached to it so much.
Putting myself first before other people for a change.
Maintaining my sense of self at all times and listening to my gut instincts.
I went for a walk and found an ideal spot with no one around, to stand with my eyes closed facing the sun, and clear my mind.
As I started to slow my breathing, the sun's rays caused me to sneeze. This triggered mocking laughter from a kookaburra in a nearby tree.
I started laughing myself at the silliness of the situation, before resolving to clear my mind, and bringing my attention back to my breathing.
Soon enough I became aware of surface level emotions, naming them as they came up (anger, fear, etc.) but I needed to go deeper. Using emotional literacy and with the suggestions from a friend I became aware of the following emotions: betrayal, devaluation, loneliness, codependency, and a lack of direction.
A harsh life lesson is realising that the "spiritual messages" that come to my mind, are mental constructs bubbling up from my self conscious. While others may find some benefit in those messages, they are from me for me alone.
I cannot rescue anyone but myself. That's something I need to meditate on more.
A few years ago I performed stand up comedy as part of the Adelaide Fringe Festival, and was invited to the Melbourne Comedy Festival before it was cancelled. Luckily, I hadn't booked a hotel or flights.
In a previous post I mentioned how during a toxic friendship / relationship / thingy I relinquished my sense of humour, and the need to apologise. I stopped smiling and laughing and became arrogant as a result. It didn't help that I was grinding two full time jobs at the time, living on four hours sleep a night. I had lost my sense of self.
This was a slow process, but I had put her ahead of my comedy career in the beginning because I was trying to rescue her and I need to acknowledge my contribution to my own downfall.
I had grown rusty in turns of stage time, at a time when I needed to maintain momentum.
After nearly a year of "No Contact" with the toxic person, my sense of humour and manners are back, I am smiling more and in general a lot happier than I was.
I've started going to comedy nights and trying to get spots at open mics. After the gig at the Para Hills Community Club (that I wrote about in a previous post), I spoke to Gerry Masi about another comedian that he was in awe of, Mickey D.
Gerry was trying to figure out how Mickey D was perpetually funny, even to the point of leaving him unable to breathe right before he had to go onto stage!
I said that I'd seen Mickey D out of character, his face plain but in character, grinning like an mischevious imp. Gerry said that maybe he gives everything to his on stage persona, and I agreed that this must be what it was.
Previously I had asked Gerry whether the stage demands authenticity, and he said "The stage demands a better version of your authentic self".
The guidance came in the form of realising my authentic self was kind, positive, fun loving, playful, mischevious maker and one that I should embrace fully and unleash on stage.
And that is what I plan to do.
Thank you for reading.
Shaidon
