I don’t like to admit to having depression, even to myself, because of the way most people understand this word. Labeling it as a “chemical imbalance” is extremely dismissive of the causes and the mechanisms of the heart/mind and also disempowering. Delegating it’s treatment exclusively to doctors and so-called professionals who study books and take courses is exactly the wrong way to heal anything at a fundamental level. Labeling it at all can potentially be counterproductive even, though acknowledging the emotions is important.
(There may be certain doctors or professionals who are specifically compassionate and have the right experiences to actually be qualified, so I am not referring to them)
I do not believe that a healer becomes a healer from books or training. Being able to guide others through suffering is a skill gained through the healer’s own suffering and the process of transmuting their own suffering into love, love for the self and love for others and the world.
I feel that depression is usually a societal and situational illness as much as an emotional one. It’s a natural response to certain realities and to the thoughts that arise in response to those experiences. When life doesn’t seem make sense or when you feel you don’t have anywhere to go, when work doesn’t pay off, when the cause and effect don’t feel congruent, it’s natural to fall into a negative feedback loop, and that’s all depression is, an emotional negative feedback loop.
I don’t think a “medical professional” is qualified to diagnose me as depressed, nor to help me fix it. I don’t trust medicine to help with this kind of thing either, at least not at a fundamental level, and this kind of thing requires a holistic approach if you really want to get past it.
There it is: I am depressed and I have been most of my life and I don’t talk about it because the acceptable solutions to it are so opposite to what I’ve found to be the case, and I don’t want to constantly argue about my mental and emotional health. At this point, I am quite good at transmuting and transforming pain on my own, I don’t need advice or some other means of assistance or emotional support.
And it’s really not that unique. I think most people are far more familiar with depression than they are willing to admit, because we generally don’t live holistic lives. I just happen to be more sensitive to my own emotions and how I react to different situations and so I’m more aware of it than some, and better at handling it without numbing the pain.
I’ve made a whole lot of progress thanks to things like mindfulness radical changes in my habits, and smoking the occasional healing plant, but I am fighting an uphill battle here because my depression mainly stems from wanting to be honest but finding that society often punishes my honesty.
Let’s see how this goes. I’m taking a big chance here by being so honest.
Another reason I don’t talk about it is that I know that I’m more qualified than most doctors to help people with these problems (though for silly legal reasons I probably have to negate that statement and say I’m totally not qualified because I don’t hold any certifications…which only makes this more difficult) and so I’m trying to find a way in this world as a kind of life coach, but in general people don’t trust you to help them fix their problems unless you give the image of having all your shit together.
I don’t necessarily believe that to be the case. Most of us are broken, and broken people are sometimes the best teachers. They are certainly better than people who disassociate themselves from natural humanness of sharing the intimacy of healing, and instead opt for “professionalism” which is the exact opposite of the kind of humanness that can truly facilitate healing.
But I’m not so sure others see it that way and so I’ve kept this all to myself to avoid dealing with drama and arguments with people over my own mental health, which I don’t believe anyone is more qualified to speak on than myself.
Anyway, do with that what you will. I don’t want pity. I want to feel like I am able to speak freely about this without any severe consequence. That is literally all I want. The rest, I can figure out.
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I’ve started a Youtube channel too. If I can monetize it, I’ll put those earnings into Hive! A thumbs up and follow would be of great help, and if you like this post, you’ll surely like what I share there:
Come join us in Hive Cross Culture where we talk and share ideas about Culture, language and travel and share any bilingual content. Join our discord
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