A lot of people out there think they know what the problem is. Some people even claim to know what the answer is. Very few consider the possibility that it may be themselves. Even fewer work extensively on fixing themselves.
Where are my real life human adults at?
I look at politicians and CEO’s and I see children. I look at teachers and parents and just see children. Lovers and friends, that guy who cut you off, consumers and the masterful marketers who target them, all children. Doctors, celebrities, newscasters, youtubers, boomers, millennials.....
Where are the fucking adults?
Do I really need to explain myself here? I feel like I do, because to the emotionally stunted (all of us) this stuff is not always self evident. It’s easy to look at people you disagree with and see how unreasonable they are. It’s not as easy to see that the people you respect are just as reactive, and that you yourself are probably just as fucked up as they come.
Nobody is perfect, I think we need to give people a pass sometimes, often even...but there’s a big fucking elephant in the room that we need to address before anyone gets a pass.
Most of us don’t know how to express how they feel with enough compassion to take into account how others feel. Most of us don’t know how to state our perspective without putting it at odds with others. Most of us don’t know how to feel good about ourselves without looking down on others. Most of us haven’t looked deep enough to see how emotionally unstable we can be, let alone see where our instability comes from and what to do about it.
It’s not that men or women or liberals or conservatives or this group or that group are unreasonable. We are all a mess! I can hardly think of anyone who isn’t!
A true fucking adult admits first and foremost that they aren’t perfect and doesn’t get overly upset when others don’t see the world the same as them. They may be free to criticize but they also prioritize making sure their own house is in order.
A true adult can admit when they fucked up and can forgive themselves and others for not being perfect or what they expected. They don’t need others to make the first move. They can be honest with themselves and with others. They can feel. They can cry without falling apart. They can give themselves a break and support others who need a break. They can make decisions for themselves and help others become strong enough to do the same.
A true adult does not seek to dominate but to empower. They focus less on who is to blame and more on how to move forward. They focus less on what others should do and more on what they should do. They realize nobody is perfect and don’t pretend to be.
A true adult does not let fear dictate how they live. They also do not pretend not to feel fear. They are firm but flexible. They allow others to live the way they wish and don’t get pulled into drama. They don’t cower under someone with more power then them but don’t whine or complain. They take action, not action to impede the will of those who disagree with them but action that empowers the people who do. They seek for ways in which we are not at odds. They can believe in ideals without being in denial about where things are at.
A true adult can make the first move and can back off when uninvited. They do their best to pick up on others needs. They take no shame in thinking of their own needs but always seek ways to align with others, whoever they are.
They sympathize with the suffering of others without taking on their trauma or losing themselves. They don’t bother much with guilt or regret unless it fuels them to become a better person. They help those who want it and back off those who don’t. They compete only with those who wish to compete and focus on being better than their current state more than being better than others. They may allow themselves certain vises but do their best to minimize them, and allow others the same.
They seek to understand first and then to be understood. In that order.
They lead by example and have faith, but faith in what is for they themselves to decide. They don’t get caught up in rules but do their best to respect that others may.
They are fueled by inspiration over motivation. They are imperfect but always improving. They a strong but sensitive.
They can play and live in the moment, but there are always aware of the consequences of their actions. Instead of letting these consequences be a burden, they see them as a blessing.
It’s not about age. It’s not even about experience, though that helps. Its not about who is the parent and who is the child.
It’s about respect, compassion and mastery of self.
How many adults do you know?
Perhaps I am lucky. I know a few...but hardly enough. I try my best to surround myself with people who are seeking to be this kind of adult. We can all just do our best and it’s not easy when there are so few role models out there. Even the best role models are only trying their best and so we make better progress when we don’t cling too tightly to them. Part of being an adult is having the courage to go first.
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