Conviction.
That’s all that was missing.
I wish someone could have made that diagnosis earlier. All my blaming the world, blaming those who stood in the way, all those years caught in the victim trap, and for what?
It’s not as if my observations were untrue. The world was and is full of contradictions, and I was born into relatively easy conditions for someone lacking dreams
someone waiting in line for a place in rat race
but for the artist inside that was dying to come out
for that fire that animated me
Italicit was worse than a prison.
I let self destruction become my master because it was the only way I knew how to prevent myself from becoming a monster.
I know how useless it is to regret now and so the only time I waste thinking about what could have been are those moments where nothing seems to work.
Just a momentary slip back into old patterns, then back to work.
They say you are never too young but that’s not true. You are never too young to start, but the older you get, the more irresponsible it is to let your expectations run wild.
There are only so many hours in a day and so many days in the year, only so much you can accomplish, though it may be more than you think.
The road is uncertain, but when you know what you came here for, there is no other road for you. You know exactly what you need to do.
When failure hits you hard enough
and hits again
and then hits even harder
more times than you can count
that’s when you learn what you are made of.
If a harder life would have gotten me to this point sooner I would trade all my comforts.
Don’t slip.
Don’t dwell.
It’s just a thought.
Observe it.
Watch it pass.
None of that matters now.
You are here now, in this moment.
Will you slip back into distracting yourself with everything other than what you came here to do?
Of course not.
I was so scared that I wasn’t enough. It never occurred to me that the only way to get where I was going is to start walking, that there would never be a better moment.
The one line of questioning I needed was the one line of question never given to me, not from outside, nor from inside.
“What is the one thing you would never sacrifice, and what would you be willing to sacrifice to bring it to fruition?”
Had I spent enough time on that line of thinking, I would have realized that my art and my moral compass and belief in love and freedom as a guiding force are the things I would never compromise for anything.
Things I’d give up sleeping in a bed to embody…
Things I’d give up having children to fully pursue…
Things I’d give up my reputation in exchange for…
Perhaps I never realized just how much my dreams fueled me until I really considered that I might fail.
Part of me always believed I’d make it, though I never believed I was good enough, a silly contradiction that I should have rooted out earlier.
But better late than never, right?
I don’t believe such extreme sacrifices are always necessary, but that kind of conviction can make the impossible become possible.
Perhaps I’ll only ever get around to making an album or two worth of music that anyone has access to. Perhaps I’ll only have a single novel to my name. Perhaps only a few dozen people will remember me.
But when I say goodbye, I’ll know with full conviction that I walked my path the best I knew how.
And if I could speak to that 12 year old version of myself or 15 year old version of myself,
I’d tell them to get used to failing early so it doesn’t scare you anymore, to use each failure as a stepping stone to get where you are going and to stop trying to save the world when you aren’t even able to put your shoes on and walk out the door wearing your own skin.
I’d tell them to lead by example even if no one is following, because even if everything you say falls on deaf ears, the trees and the mountains and the raindrops and even the concrete are listening, and they’ll send help your way if you put in the work.
I’d tell them that anger is a fire that can open a path so learn to transmute it, never knowingly inflicting harm or violating anyone’s free will.
I’d tell them that if you burn bright enough and consistently with love, then your rage will never be enough to lead you astray.
I’d tell them that it doesn’t matter if you are good enough. Nobody is good enough until they try the things they want to try so they can learn what’s for them and what is just fleeting curiosity.
It’s too late to go back, but it’s not too late to tell those past versions of myself. As I write I feel their tears run down my cheek as I put my hands on their shoulder.
“It’s ok, one day you’ll burn brighter than you ever thought you could and every creative impulse will lead you to discover greater depths and greater love.
One day you’ll make peace with this world and show it everything you’re made of, and you’ll know that you are doing what you came here to do.”
